revolutionary mama

Paint Me in Colors

2011-09-10T11:42:00.000-05:00

Paint me in colors
A brush of your Love
Anything I can be

Linger in details
It feels so real
Convincing me as I breathe

This world is a playground for the mind
The only exit is a shift in paradigm

Use your vision wisely, tell me
What do you want to see?
Paint it with your will and what you dream
Will be, will be

Vision condenses
Reach with your senses
Paint until you feel free

Awaken essence
Your incandescence
Is lighting the boundary

Expanding outward
Light everything you find
Illuminate the world with the light you are inside

Love and justice, truth and patience
Blazing brightly burn
The measure that you radiate
Determines the return
So burn...

Capture with sable
The light and the shadow
Render and represent

Inward comes outward
Reality conjured
By contours of your intent

This world is a playground or the mind
Search your heart and make your mark on the canvas of space and time

Choose your vision wisely, tell me
What do you want to see
Paint it with your will and what you dream
will be, will be

a thank you note to my bicycle

2011-08-06T22:52:00.000-05:00

dear beautiful machine,
I am sending this letter to you in order to make clear and plain the fact that I love appreciate you. Your gifts to me come daily, by wind in my hair, by earth rolling by underfoot, by water from within and without, and fire that burns away every calorie I can consume. Your unfailing ability to make everyday more fun and bring opportunities for learning and growth is a breath of fresh air. I wonder if you know, dear wheeled friend, how much I feel indebted to you for all you do. Your sweet simplicity demands so little in the way of maintenance that I fear I may not show you the attention you deserve. So please accept this gratitude, for I sincerely mean every word. I love you, you wondrous wheeled treasure, I really do.

Love,
jaymi

embracing emptiness

2011-05-26T09:29:00.000-05:00

I like the feel

of all the empty houses on the street

during a rainy weekday morning.

The homes are like minds;

when the people are gone,

and all the movement inside stops or slows,

it becomes peaceful,

tranquil,

quiet.

The people have all gone

in their noisy cars

off to some other place.

Yet, in their absence,

something of a person’s essence remains behind in a home.

Something of my mind remains in my head

when I meditate and send my spirit off

in some mantra vehicle

to some other place.

In this way, empty homes are meditating,

considering the possibilities of coming alive again

with some new spirit inside.

During this quiet, private space,

where I am inside my home,

and not inside my head,

I can hear the empty echos of quiet halls,

tiny paws of sleeping companion animals scuffling across the floor,

the amorous calls of a pair of birds.

Moving outward,

my spirit expands beyond these four walls

and I envelop all the emptiness I can find,

in every house,

and feel the temporary quality of it,

knowing that in a matter of hours,

all this quiet turns into a flurry of

movement,

consumption,

humanity.

I breathe in that peace,

I breathe in that chaos,

and I take peace and chaos

out the door with me,

my mind, my body and move

in some other place.

Monday Morning Commute

2011-04-18T07:58:00.000-05:00

This morning I woke and promised to start the day with purposeful joy. I allowed myself to sleep in for ten more minutes just for the deliciousness of the experience. I woke my daughter, fed her the breakfast of her choosing, chock full of sugary sweet bad-for-you-ness and smiled with her as she savored it. I bicycled my precious child and two tubs full of recyclable materials down the street. Thankfully, I only spilled the plastics and not my more precious cargo. I got the opportunity to see how strong my little girl has become when she held the bicycle steady while I gathered and reattached the wayward milk jugs and fruit containers to our family bike. She then climbed back aboard and we finished our commute to school. She said, "I am trying not to compare the smell of gasoline burning from the cars with the smell of the flowers," and I realized how aware she is of the juxtaposition of two scents among the many in our neighborhood. Bacon and greasy potato breakfasts mingle with cumulative cigarette smoke dancing with laundry detergent steaming from the dryer vents and car exhaust fighting with the delight of the blossoming trees and flowers. It's a wonder we don't find ourselves overwhelmed by it all. But instead, we let it all wash over us, with joy; and in a way, we are overwhelmed, but we move with such grace, balanced on two wheels.

how much?

2011-01-20T17:28:00.000-06:00

How Much?
How much do I care
About Peace?

Do I care enough about Peace
To ride
My bike to work
To not say, “It’s too far”
And instead just move closer?

And quit when I get there
Say Enough is Enough is
Enough
I will not work for the Man
Anymore

Do I care
Enough About Peace
To ride and ride and ride
Cleaning my mind
Until I find
A real job
Working for everywhere, everyone, everything
Else in the world?

Not real like 9 to 5
Real like keeps me alive
Not real like Peter Jennings
Real like Amy Goodman
Not real like “Somebody’s gotta do it”
Real like Earth Island Institute
Doctors Without Borders, Amnesty
International, Global Exchange
South Yuba River Citizens League
Real like if I don’t do it
Who the hell will?
Do I care
Enough about Peace
To admit
That all inactions are actions
And all actions are votes
Not voting is
Voting

To vote

With my mouth
With my conscience and wallet
And my ballot while I‘m at it?

To Buy
All organic
All the time, always
From sheets to roses to
Underwear to sprouts?

To cause
A commotion at Safeway, say
Let me know when you make the transition
And I might reconsider my decision
To never shop here again

To digup
My chemically dependent
Heavy drinking lawn and
Replace it for good
With a permaculture garden
To share
With my neighborhood

To ship
Forty pounds of corn
And 5000 gallons of water
To my refugee pen pal in Rwanda
Every day for a year
Before eating one more mouthful of
Cow?

To build my house out of straw
Make it small
Fill it with compact florescents
Superinsulate the water heater
Make certain
Every splinter of wood is
J. Butterfly Certified?

And once I‘ve built it
To stay home
To not fly
To forsake air travel
And its suicidal tendency
To warm
Up the world, its
Insatiable greed
For being there and
Here, on the very same day
And Fuck those little plastic cups
Anyway

To let
My fingers
Do the walking
Right out the door of
The businessasusual yellowpages
And into the National Green Pages
Every time the American in me
Can no longer resist
The urge
To consume Do I care
Enough about Peace
To de-cumulate?
To sell half,
Of my shit,
Then give half of what’s left away
Today? Except for the television
Much like a landmine
Must be destroyed
Before maiming the mind
Of one more little boy

To have
Just one child

To adopt
Between one and eighty eight
And to meditate
On the origins of
Impatience, anger and hate
So that I may never yell
At any of them
Or anyone else I love
Or don’t yet love

To spend
As much time with them
As I do sending
Interoffice email
At my job
Real, or not

To remember
That the truth has been found
I can’t buy from Exxon
Without Prince William Sound
I can’t buy from Chevron
Without hired helicopters
Gunning N’goni to the ground
Not from Shell and that little thing
With Ken Saro Wiwa
Not from the Unocals
And their Ivy League Pals
Shilling on Niteline
Promoting the new
Uzbeki, Afghani,
Osama bin Pipeline

And therefore,
To commit
To a reduction
In internal combustion?

To drink
And drink and drink
Burning gasoline
Until I feel fiery compassion
For the eternal sufferers of my
Infernal dedication
To internal combustion?
Infernal internal eternal
Combustion

To admit
I‘m addicted
To my automobile
My own two little
Axles of Evil?

I keep finding myself
Back at the pump
With every finger
On the trigger

And I know in that moment that
They is me
I am them
Pushed and sucked and pumped
Through a dirty oil
Filter

Do I care
Enough about Peace
To sell
My car?

To hitchhike
But refuse to ride
In any SUV-8 commuter?
Range Rover, Range Rover
Send our black soldiers
Right over
Jesus Chrysler, Honda Krishna

I keep finding myself
Back at the outlet
Ready to plug something else in
Or check something else out

Do I care
Enough about Peace
To clothes
The Gap or at least
Stand in front of The Gap
With a picket?

To never
Set foot in
Wal-mart K-mart Ware-mart
Bi-mart Petsmart Star-mart or
Star-bucks again?
How ’bout Home Depot?

To stop
Buying clothes made of oil
Sewn by 8-year-olds in dark factories on
The other side of the planet
Sold in stores built on wetlands
Farmlands, once quiet lands
So-far-from-where-you-live lands
So hemmed in by asphalt big
Trucks broken glass and
Mufflers so underserved
By public transportation that
Driving there seems like the
Only reasonable way
To get there
But which are too cheap
To pass up?

Do I care enough
About Peace
To stop
Buying those clothes
To shop instead at thrift stores
To buy organic cotton hemp recycled
Clothes made by people I know who
Live on my street?

To acknowledge
That peace is, redwood trees standing
Peace is, worldwide family planning
Peace is, organic peach canning
Peace is, Alice Walker in the Oval Office
Sitting at the big desk
Peace is, live music in my kitchen
Peace is, your grandma riding her bike to
The bus to the farmers market
Peace is, a living wage for the
Columbian peasant who grew
My cup
Of Coffee
Peace is, the collective self-esteem of all

The world’s kids

And I‘ve got to wondering
If you gathered all the ten-year-olds in
China, America, Afganistan, Nigeria
And Mexico City
Into one giant circle
And gathered all their self-esteem
And put it in a laser beam
Of light
And shot it into the Night
Would it make it to the Lincoln Bedroom
Would it make it to the Moon?

Do I care
Enough about Peace
To cutup
My Discover Card and
Send it back to the bankers
Who are using my money
To finance the erection

Of the 3 gorges dam
To displace a million people
Brown, voiceless people
To drown the great Yangtze
And 5,000 years of cultural history
Beneath the largest chunk of cement
Ever conceived by Stanford University
Engineers

To distrust
Scientists with technological cures for
Organizational problems?
DNA cures for tomatoes that ripen
DDT cures for mosquitoes that bite
Nuclear cures for energy problems
Nuclear cures for war problems
Nuclear cures for nuclear waste problems
“This just in! Top scientists announced today
that they’ve found a cure for ignorance,”
All the newsmen blared.
If Einstein was so smart
Why didn’t he see we weren’t ready
For MC
To be squared?

To revolt
Every time some corporation
Commits inappropriation?
Steals
A word, a plant, an idea, a gene
A famous face, mental space, sacred place, or
Sixth grade class?
Get the hell out of my watershed
Before I copyright our whole language and
Trademark your ass

To boycott
Their labels
Never worship their stars?
Carry scissors and markers and
Stand in the street
Offering on-the-spot removal of
Swooshes® from feet?

Do I care
Enough about Peace
To educate
Myself
In the Arts
Of resistance
By seeking out the real news
In Boycott Action News,
In Adbusters, WorldWatch, Mother Jones,
And Yes! Magazine?

To climb
Up and up and up the ranks
Of the Ruckus Society?

To recycle
But only as a last resort?
After reusing, retreading, reducing
Rejecting, and rejoicing in the replacing our
Throwaway culture?

To wear
A plate and cup
In a cloth bag on my shoulder?
Ready to catch
Spontaneous nourishment without notice
Without needing virgin
Old growth disposable tableware
And when the cashier say, “Paper, or Plastic?”
I‘ll say no
Thank you

To ask
questions about everything
I demonize, criticize, generalize, jeopardize, ostracize, canonize
Fantasize, memorize, advertise or supersize?
About everything I say I can’t live without?
About everything I stand for sit for work for play for
Pray for pay for
Live for?
About everything I eat, buy, do, make, facilitate,
Drive, consume, produce, wear, think,
Believe, value, throwaway and
Leave Behind?

Do I care
Enough about Peace
To light myself on fire on Las Vegas Boulevard?

To walk
The talk?
To walk and walk and walk
To walk to the White House
To walk to Iraq
To walk to noplace in particular
Holding a sign above my head
That says
One Walker for Peace
Ignoring mind closures and no trespassing signs
Testosterone fueled egos and
The intentionally blind
Planting tiny peace seeds in
Every fertile, bare patch of
Human mind
That I find?

Do I care enough
About Peace
To ride my bike

To work?

-kipchoge, 2003

this poem was written by someone who does care. find out about him at www.gingerninjas.com

temporary darkness

2010-12-07T20:05:00.000-06:00

Tonight, riding home, I found a temporary darkness. The city is "beautifying" the 10th Street corridor between Woodruff and Rural. They have bumped out the curbs and this spring will probably see some flowers planted there in the new patches that will be green space. I bet Keep Indianapolis Beautiful will even plant some of their yellow daffodils. The daylight in the spring will last a bit longer and dawn a bit earlier. But, for now, the darkness. The installation of new street lights has deemed it necessary to shut off the power to that little beautified corridor for a while. And each night that I ride that tiny tunnel of darkness, I look up to the heavens, and I see stars; the original street lights.

Full Circle into Winter

2010-12-05T20:22:00.000-06:00

It was just over a year ago that my family relinquished the automobile in favor of the bicycle lifestyle. And this past year has been one of the greatest for our family. We have reached a whole new level of financial self-reliance as we have chipped away at our cost of living until we could comfortably live on a Starbucks wages. We've eaten well, not had any of our utilities shut off, and kept our home. Wahoo! I feel like we've been through some kind of boot camp for escaping the "American Dream" (read that to mean attempting fulfillment through materialism and consumption) and crash landed into minimalism, self-reliance, sustainability, and freedom. Wait, wasn't that just a checklist for the original American Dream? Well, who cares what kind of dream it is; I'm just glad to be living a dream at all.
This past year has been one full of gifts. Some were the kind of gifts that your Self (big S) gives to your self (small s). Like realizing that you are physically strong after a lifetime of thinking you were the type to easily bruise and need help both lifting something heavy and getting something off the top shelf of any cabinet. Some of the gifts were the kind you were born with and didn't know were anything special at all until other people noticed and then convinced you that you really did have a special knack for something that not everyone has. Other gifts were less metaphorical and more literal; like the totally awesome bicycle trailer that one of my daily customers at Starbucks gave to our family. The new trailer was a gigantic upgrade from our old one and with a little mending on my part recently, will likely last us as long as Isa can fit inside it (perhaps one more winter?). All these gifts have made our year more than just simple survival -- these gifts were the ways we experienced a great abundance during what might be called a lean season.
Winter, I believe, was generally considered a lean season. Not much can grow during this time of year in many climates. Of course there is the harvest time feast of Thanksgiving and the more wintery feast of the Solstice, or Christmas, or Hanukkah or what have you. But then, modern giant 24 hour grocery stores notwithstanding, many people lived for the rest of this lean season on what they had canned and stored from the previous growing season. And in a way, we have seemed to survive this past year on the Fruits of the Spirit that we had canned and stored. We relied heavily on forbearance, for example to keep our home (ha ha!). But really, though, self-control has been a lesson of this past year; as has kindness. Love and joy are fruits that kept ripening for us again and again, even after the first frost. Old friends have come back into our lives. New ways of doing things we had done before have surprised and delighted us. The blessings we have accepted as our own continue to bloom and grow. I look ahead to our coming year and excitement swells in my heart for the fun and beauty we might discover there.
And really, I just sat down to blog about how much I love to bike in the snow. But I guess I did that last year. :)

morning ride

2010-11-12T10:28:00.000-06:00

pushing/pulling pedals
poetry in motion
this morning's mountain pose
now grounded on tiny metal platforms
hovering in cyclical orbits

light/heat radiating
between the remnants of night
illuminating the city
and it's halo
enlightening the mind
and it's halo
shining upon the faces of passersby
and their halos

pulling/pushing pedals
two hollow tubes roll
putting a pillow of air
between me and the earth
levitating in perpetual motion

Creativity Found!

2010-06-23T21:12:00.000-05:00

Thanks to some thoughtful friends and some serendipitous scheduling at work, I was able to relax into spontaneity which led directly to a burst of creativity! My friend Echo came to pick Isa up last Saturday afternoon after work. Joshua was working the night shift at his job, so I found myself enjoying some truly FREE time. After my last blog post, this seems like such a pendulum swing. I had planned on using my alone time to paint, but alas, I was surprised to find myself sewing. I have been feeling the effects of the 90+ degree days with high humidity, not only when I'm sweltering in our home, but also when I'm out on the bike. I have a little cotton skirt that I bought a few years ago that seems to be the only comfortable clothing I can wear in this heat. So, instead of searching like mad for a few more of these lightweight skirts, I decided to make some. I hopped on my bike and pedaled my way to the thrift store down the street. I scoured the whole store, not missing a rack, searching for suitable t-shirts to convert into cycling skirts. And for less than $10, I have made four skirts. Not only are they comfortable and perfectly suited to my needs, but they are each unique, one of a kind creations that flowed from unplanned, spur of the moment sewing! FTW! Here are some photos of these fun little cycling skirts:

This is the first one I made. The waist band is made from a tank top that someone gave me a few years ago. I loved the material because it was really soft and colorful, but the tank itself was really unflattering on me. The bottom of this skirt is made from an old green turtleneck that has been sitting on my sewing desk since last fall. It was just waiting for me to make it into something new and useful!

This second skirt is made from one of my favorite shirts. About ten years ago, I bought this amazing little shirt in a boutique in Chicago while Joshua and I were visiting our friend, Jay. The front was this screen print of art nouveau style ladies. The back was a very light green color. The back of the shirt became a waistband for this cute little skirt, and the art nouveau ladies got cut from the front of the shirt and sewn to this turquoise t-shirt I found at the thrift store for 89 cents, which became the bottom of the skirt.

The collar of that turquoise shirt became the handy little pocket on this skirt; the sleeves, once cut open and then sewn together, became this skirt's waistband. The "make it yourself" patch was bought from a little left wing bookstore in Toronto while I was there with my friend Eric (Dirklette) in 2003. I've been waiting to use it for a long time!

This skirt is made from a thrift store t shirt too. It's a heather-y sort of red color. It was SO soft hanging there on it's hanger, I couldn't resist. It had these cool contrasting ringers on it's short sleeves and collar, which I had planned to use to make pockets for this skirt, but I decided against them once I had gathered the skirt at the hips.

It seemed too plain, though, so I added this little bike patch, which I just sort of sew-sketched onto a piece of scrap t-shirt.

creativity can be elusive

2010-06-10T13:57:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I want to write; other times I feel too private to share my thoughts. Over the last few months, I've been writing in various little notebooks and keeping a gratitude journal, but not updating my blog. It feels, three months after my last entry, like an insurmountable task to "update" this to a current state.
In brief, and to reorient the timeline, I am still working full time at Starbucks on Mass Ave. Joshua is also now working full time again. Isa is just getting ready to start kindergarten at a new charter school nearby. All of us are getting our eight hour days away from home, it seems. Joshua and I both working full time has taken a toll on us, but we persevere with love in our hearts and thankfulness on our lips. At least we have just enough money to scrape ourselves out of loan defaults and past due notices. We are just now catching up financially. We haven't quite caught up emotionally...
I am still interested in painting and writing music, but the time crunch of us working opposite shifts and having only one parent home at a time to care for Isa has made finding uninterrupted time to be creative rather evasive at worst and fleeting at best. Sometimes, I find it necessary to forgo sleep to find the quiet time to reach within and pull out some kind of expression. This, of course, means that Isa is sleeping and so music has been shelved in favor of the quieter forms of expression like writing and painting. When I'm just too tuckered out to express anything, I read. I've been reading A LOT lately.
Our garden is coming along, but nowhere near what I'd dreamed up. If we had an extra day in each week, maybe, but at least the wildflowers will be coming up soon. Most of our vegetable seeds were neglected a bit too long. The only sprouts are sweet peppers and boy, will we be eating a lot of those! Hardy little things, I'll have to remember that.
This sounds like complaining, but really, life is pretty good. I am thankful to have an intact family after the stress of the last year. Isa is still thriving and so ready to start school. I am seeing this time of busy-ness as a temporary phase and know that both financial and temporal abundance is just ready to burst into bloom in our lives.

time to put some things in the ground

2010-03-22T11:37:00.000-05:00

I am watching the rain fall and thinking thankfully that the earth will be so soft and moist when we begin digging up the grass. The seeds have been sitting quietly, patiently, and passionately full of potential in little paper envelopes, dreaming of soil and rain and sun. Our hands have been made strong and ready to work into the rich humus with or without tools. It is time to observe and participate in the process of highest potential; a vegetable or flower from a seed, a life change from an idea, an explosion of creativity and expression from a time of hermitage.

I bless our Mother who provides all of our needs.

I bless our hands as we work together to create a dream.

I bless our friends as they share in our bounty and theirs.

I bless each seed as it reaches high for its sun source and low for its deepest truth.

2010-02-15T20:25:00.000-06:00

finding myself in a near checkmate situation
i stopped to think
and breathe in some miracle inspiring universal wisdom
and breathe out attachment centered egotism
and in that moment that i stopped to breathe
i felt myself compelled to a kiss
--more than the darling buds of May were shaken--
and i was lost up in it
after being lost down in it for so long
i was lifted by the lightness of his lips
and drawn by the magnetism of his hips
and moved by will alone into the deepest velvet abyss of union with the divine
bliss raced into my fingers and toes
joy trickled down my spine
and sorrow burst forth from my heart through my eyes and tears did fall
cleansing my inner ocean
into salty sweet joy that could float a heart into bobbing ecstasy
for the infinite golden eternity of this forever now moment

winter blahs, begone

2010-01-27T18:12:00.000-06:00

my frosty heart needs a woolen cozy to slip inside.
it will be cable knit by hand, in the softest alpaca.
it would be a very sensible silvery grey, if it didn't just need to be lime or orange or lemon colored.
this cozy will, indeed, transport my heart from this tundra to a more tropical place.
(geography not withstanding)
and i
like my heart source
will blossom
big, colorful, and sweet smelling.

it's time for a new beginning
and this broken branch
is still miraculously able
to support a new bloom

1,2,3
sun, water, sky
2, 4, 6, 8
oh, how i appreciate
the chance to begin anew.

2009-12-08T15:24:00.000-06:00

Can I just reiterate how much I love being outside? *sigh*
I heart my bike.

I heart my city.

I heart my unreasonable collection of old wool sweaters.

I heart my $5.00 long underwear from A.J. Wrights (it's got skulls and crossbones!)

I heart my fake fur lined boots.

I heart how good I feel knowing that I'm not just waiting to get back inside again when I step outside.

I love the winter weather...

2009-12-04T15:33:00.000-06:00

This morning, like many others, I biked into downtown at about 4:30am. This morning, like many others, had me arriving at work, peeling off layers and layers of onion-like clothes until I was standing in the cafe in a single layer of black coffee girl wear.
As the customers began to come in just after we opened the front doors, many of them commented on how cold it was. The exact change they were handing me for their coffee was especially cold! Then someone said it was only 20 degrees outside. How had I been on my bike for 15 minutes or so and not noticed that it was significantly colder than yesterday morning? Could it be that I have discovered the magical intuitive powers to know exactly how many sweaters to wear to not feel the cold? Eureka! I'm so happy!
I am feeling so hopeful that winter cycling is going to be great fun. I am already dreaming of the first time I get to ride with light, fluffy flakes swirling all around me (a slightly more romantic picture of winter cycling than mounds of plowed road snow and patches of black ice, I know... but I can dream, right?). People are asking me, what will you do when it gets really cold? What about when there is snow on the ground? My answer is simple; more sweaters, knobbier tires, and maybe, if I'm feeling really afraid of ice, a helmet.

Holiday Cycling

2009-11-25T16:46:00.000-06:00

This is our first holiday as a completely car(e)free family. As such, we were faced with the opportunity to creatively match our choice to bicycle for short trips around the city with our longer trip out to Noblesville to visit with our families. We've made the crossover from short trip commuters to full on bicycling family.
We planned our route on Monday afternoon, and planned to leave Wednesday morning. Joshua and I (who both now LOVE google maps) chose roads with low traffic, bike lanes, wide separated bike paths, or, failing all else, worst case scenario: sidewalks. We guessed wrong on a few of our road choices, but knowing that, the ride home will be much easier. So with a gulp and a sigh, we dressed appropriately for the mild temperature and possible rain. We packed our clothing and gear for the weekend into milk crates strapped to our rear racks, then covered them with trash bags to protect our stuff from the precipitation. We buckled Isa into her trailer, wrapped her in a blanket, pulled down the rain sheild, and off we rolled...
Hearing of a possible job offer for Joshua at the keystone fashion mall, we added that as a stop on our trip. We felt so funny entering the parking garage at the mall, suited up in our extra layers, faces flushed from the cold or from exertion. We struggled with where to lock up the bikes until a friendly shopper told us that there was a bike rack on the lower level of the garage. We rolled down the ramps until we found it. It didn't look like it had ever been used. It wasn't even bolted down! But our heavy laden lot of bikes were not appealing enough to mess with so we locked them to the rickety rack and peeled off some extra layers. We grabbed some lunch, followed up on the job offer, and let Isa burn off some energy before heading back to the bikes for the last leg of the trip.
Suiting up again and preparing to navigate the insanity of the shopping area traffic, we unlocked and pedaled on. We chose a particularly bad route from 86th to 96th street; a road with no shoulders, winding blind curves, and overgrown trees and shrubs creeping over the edge of the road. It was a little scary, but with the huge flag poles draped with colorful prayer flags rising several feet above Isa's trailer, most drivers saw us from way behind and either slowed down, gave us plenty of passing room, or both. Still, we will most definitely be taking a different route on the way back south.
Once we reached 96th street, we crossed at the light at Hazel Dell and caught the bike path that led us the remaing miles to my Dad's house. 96th is the county line road. What a difference from Marion to Hamilton county! The separate bike paths made both drivers and cyclists feel more certain of their speed and safety. As much as I agree with vehicular cycling, separate bike paths and bike lanes are a point at which Forester and I definitely don't see eye to eye. (See John Forester's classic book, Effective Cycling for his argument against bike lanes and other separate bike paths.) We cruised side by side, talking, pedaling slowly and surely. There were almost no stops or breaks in the path, and those that are there are at stoplights with special crosswalks for pedestrians and bikes which alert drivers of our crossing with a blinking light on the signs. This final stretch of our trip seemed so short and easy after maneuvering the mean streets. Don't get me wrong, I like riding on the streets, I like riding in the city, and I enjoyed the process of our journey from door to door. But the ease and leisurely pace that the bike path allowed us seemed luxurious after the first part of our trip. So much so, in fact, that we're considering biking a few miles out of the way to take the Monon back home.

I remember Joshua and I talking about living without a car for years before we actually made the leap. One of our last hold outs for why we needed a car, was that our families lived in Hamilton county and it was too far away to safely cycle. With that little falsehood thoroughly dismissed, we can't wait to make this trip in more seasonable weather. We couldn't be happier to be living our dreams and making more of an adventure out of life.

Still becoming

2009-11-04T10:20:00.000-06:00

At last, I have moved to my more permanent work location. Being back on Mass Ave has been absolutely wonderful. Many of my old friends and clients have been in, resulting in me running from behind the counter to give hugs more than once. The business there is more what I was hoping for in terms of working for Starbucks again. It is a neighborhood... There are homes, small businesses; it's alive there. I watch the sun come up sometimes and see the city wake up too. I watch the sun go down over the buildings and see the lullaby of traffic ease into silence. I feel as if I am a part of something, a cycle that repeats itself each day, each week, throughout the seasons, with enough subtle changes to keep it alive and not rote. The first round of regulars comes in at 5:30am; The Lockerbie Club, as they are referred to by the other partners. They require that we leave the music off until they leave, as they discuss local neighborhood and more vast state politics. About the same time they come in, Frank comes in for his morning cup. He has worked at Stout's Shoes for longer than anyone. He is friendly, but quiet. The rest of the morning goes the same, the neighborhood wakes, dresses, and comes in for their customized beverages: grande bold in a venti cup, tall caramel frappuccino light in a venti cup layered with whipped cream and caramel parfait style, double tall nonfat white mocha with whipped cream and caramel, grande americano with an extra shot, venti nonfat chai, venti breve iced coffee with a shot, etc... I am adjusting to being busier during my shift and having the great fun of realizing I am a part of this community. Both the partners and the regulars have accepted me as one of them. It feels great. There is much to still learn and incorporate into my routine, but mostly everyone is patient with me. The regulars joke about how I'll know their drinks by heart soon and the partners invite me deeper into the workflow of the store. I am still in progress, but the growth feels wonderful.

Joshua is at this moment getting ready to head into Broad Ripple on his bike for his first day at The Wellness Space. The building is brand new and parts of it are still just framing and dry wall. The Wellness Space is finished now and ready for business. He is planning to go in and walk around the neighborhood putting business cards up on local bulletin boards and talk to people in the neighborhood about what kind of healing is available there. It is my greatest hope that his business picks up quickly and offers him the opportunities he is seeking there. If it all works out the way he is hoping, he will be earning enough money for us to keep our car and keep all of our bills paid. (If any of you readers out there are curious about his work, I encourage you to get in touch with me or him on facebook and make an appointment. He has helped a lot of people make great and healing changes in their lives!)

At this point, Isa is still very excited about going to school. I am not sure that we will be able to afford to send her to an all day preschool/ day care kind of experience. As for now, Joshua and I are planning on coordinating our schedules such that one of us is always working while the other is home with Isa. Perhaps we can satiate her appetite for school by enrolling her in classes such as dance and music while still maintaining her daily care at home. It could feasibly save us about $800 a month to not send her to day care.

We are still in limbo between how our lives were and what we want them to be. Our lives are still becoming.

Our lovely Tuesday

2009-10-20T15:46:00.004-05:00

Today was a day off for me. We began the day by sharing breakfast with the Beeler family. Yummy buttermilk pancakes! We had a hair cut party after breakfast... what fun! We left fountain square for the butler campus where I picked up my tickets to the Swell Season show on November 1st. On our way back, we stopped at a park and played in the leaves and on the merry-go-round. Here's a set of photos from our lovely Tuesday in October.

New Faces, New Places

2009-08-21T18:29:00.003-05:00

Being a stay at home mom for the past three years has restricted me from the general public pretty well. I have really only gone among people I've purposely set out to be with. I went to church, I spent time with my friends and family, I've gone out to art and music shows... But just being out in the city with people I don't know very well is kind of a revelation for me. I am realizing all over again that most people are not like me. Most people are not like all the other people that I have been spending time with. These new people in my life are not sure what to make of me. And I am learning how to love all over again. I am learning my customers' names and favorite drinks. I am watching the same people walk past my store windows every day about the same time. I am learning how to smile and accept that some people really like talking about how crappy their day is, and then I'm learning how to smile at them and not take their drama on. I am learning to how be love in all kinds of new circumstances and it feels like I am really A L I V E . . .

like riding a bike

2009-08-13T17:59:00.002-05:00

Today I donned enough all black clothing to cover my all my formerly-visible tattoos, and rode the bus to my first day of work. I arrived and pretty much helped myself to the back room so I could find my training materials. I brought them out into the cafe and started reviewing what I already knew, and learning the new and improved policies of the largest coffee company in the world. Having leafed through the manual on espresso drinks and the manual on brewing regular coffees and teas, I wandered back over to the counter and clocked myself in. I remembered how much I really liked being a coffee slinger, how much I loved having a genuine smile for strangers, and how much I liked to have a rhythm and a routine. I am actually excited about my job at Starbucks.
I am not going to be working this entry level position very long. I predict that I'll be promoted to being a shift supervisor as soon as three months from now. I am aware of how much my new store manager really wants to get me on what he calls, "the fast track" into management. That is both exciting and flattering. And I know that I don't have to commit to anything. If I want to stay low on the corporate totem pole, I can. I know Joshua will be getting a super great job very soon, so $ isn't going to be a motivator for me to climb the ladder. But I know I'll have plenty of opportunities to get back up there if I want to. I am practicing saying YES as much as I can.
The work day itself was steady enough to keep my from being bored, but slow enough to let me catch up on how to run the cash register and the new fangled brewing equipment. My carpal tunnel smiled with joy at the new one button touch espresso machines! (No more banging around heavy pieces of metal filled with wet grounds! No more hot, wet espresso stains on my clothes and pants! Hooray for automation!) I fell right back into it, just like riding a bike. I remembered how many pumps of vanilla a caramel macchiato gets in every size, I remembered how to tap the blender pitchers on the corner of the counter before pouring a frappuccino. I quickly caught on to all the new stuff, like how to heat a pastry or a breakfast sandwich in the oven. I remembered to do cafe checks, and cup and lid restocks without being asked; it was second nature. It gave me great confidence and didn't really feel like a "first day" as so much was familiar.
The only hard part was when Joshua and Isa stopped by to visit. I was glad to see them, and Isa was surprised to see me on the opposite side of the counter. I played peek-a-boo around the cash register. I came around the counter to give her a hug. After a big hug, she looked at me with a pouty face and said, "Mama, I wish you never got this job... I miss you." My heart crumbled and my eyes welled up with tears. I held back from actually crying, but it hit me pretty hard. I know that it's only the first day and that we'll both become accustomed to being apart during the day. And really, it's okay with both of us. We both want this. She really wants to go to school. She keeps asking when Papa is going to get his job so that she can go to school. We keep telling her, "soon, sweetie, Papa is going to be working his new job soon." I think all my crying over the past few days is grief over the loss of our old life. I am ready for this change, and so is Isa, but the change is still a big goodbye to a era from which we are moving on.

Ch-ch-ch-changes....

2009-08-12T12:54:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I rode the number 10 bus downtown. I took an application (that I filled out a year ago when I was dabbling with the idea of part time work) to a Starbucks store. Right there on the spot, I was given an impromptu interview with the store manager. Before too long, I was leaving the store with a promise for a call by the end of the day. Three hours later, I received a phone call with a full time job offer; it wasn't even noon yet.
When Joshua was laid off from his job rather unexpectedly, I wasn't sure what we would do. I had become rather comfortable in my stay at home mama life. When I decided to go and look for work, I had no idea that I'd be offered something so fast. Now that I've accepted the offer, I am breaking down emotionally. On the one hand, I know that we won't starve. I will be making very little money to start out, but I know that I won't be working the entry level position I've taken for very long. I've been promised a way up the ladder pretty quickly. But on the other hand, what about all my dreams of homeschooling and a parent present for Isa at home? Well, for now, she still gets that. But we are hoping that Joshua receives a job offer soon, and then Isa will be at preschool, or in some other kind of care situation that doesn't involve staying in pj's all morning and eating dry cereal from a bowl while she plays computer games or colors. She will be getting up early, getting on a bus with me and heading to school for a full day away from mama and papa.
The upswing of all this are that we'll be less concerned about getting our bills paid, we'll have paid vacations (!), really awesome medical, dental, and optical insurance, Isa will have daily stimulation with lots of kids to play with, and I will be able to buy art supplies and guitar strings whenever I want. Assuming that Joshua finds work very soon, we'll be in great shape.
Why not return to hairdressing so I can make $30-$60 an hour instead of going to an entry level coffee shop job? Well, I'm not really sure. This opportunity presented itself, and I took it. Life has a funny way of surprising you with the best situation for you in disguise as something else. Will I ever go back to doing hair? Maybe. Will I end up in management for Starbucks again? Maybe. Will I go back to being a stay at home mother again? Maybe. As Gilda Radner said, "Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what is going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity..." Right now, I am thankful for income of any kind. Right now I am thankful for my past contacts at Starbucks that remembered me fondly. Right now I am thankful for a chance for Isa to grow and change and live a different life. Right now I am thankful for a chance for Joshua to be at home with Isa all day while he follows his bliss to find his perfect work. Right now I am thankful for the support of our friends, our families, and our church. Right now I am thankful for the knowing that it will always be okay. Right now I am thankful...

Change begets Creativity

2009-08-04T13:17:00.006-05:00

There are changes in my life that haven't yet sussed out. I am in a state of limbo; in equipoise between what was and what will be. Uncertainty in the midst of change is the greatest tool for creative endeavors. Not knowing, not having a definite idea of what is coming next allows a great opening to occur in your heart and mind. Not having a concrete outcome, or even having a general conception of what you might desire is an opportunity to expand and open your arms wide to embrace all the possibilities.
My mantra for the last few weeks has been: "All things being possible, and all possibilities being equally probable, what to choose?" That has come about for me in such a succinct parcel of words via months of experience and years of practicing manifestation of my dreams and creating my reality. Let us further parse the phrase to facilitate better understanding of its origin and practice.

All things being possible This is something that I have believed since I was a child. Having grown up on the bible, I read "With God all things are possible" in Matthew 19:26. It meant to me then, that even things that are impossible for men are possible for God. Later in my life as my understanding of personal responsibility began to grow, I realized that it is not up to some Being outside of me to bring me happiness or take it away. I realized that my every thought was creating my world. By training myself to think of the things I wanted to experience, and pairing those thoughts with thankfulness instead of desire, I was able to have those experiences every time without fail. I began practicing manifesting my dreams and desires by starting small. I thought about how nice it would be to have guitar and with great thankfulness for knowing all my needs are always met, one appeared in my life. Then I thought about how it would really meet my needs for playing live music to have an electric acoustic guitar. After only three days of thankful, thoughtful consideration of the experience of having an electric acoustic guitar, one was given to me! My understanding comes from reading Neale Donald Walsch's Conversations with God. On page 54 of Book One, God says, "The First Law is that you can be, do, and have whatever you imagine. The Second Law is that you attract what you fear." The First Law shows that all I can imagine is not only possible, but attainable. The Second Law leads us to the second part of my mantra...
All possibilities being equally probable The second law stating that we attract what we fear might seem ominous, but really it is illustrating that we are only limited in possibility by what we fear. Fear is the fence around our possibility. When we can see past the fence, we can see possibility beyond what we previously thought was possible. Seeing past the fence is enough of an exercise in removing the barrier to what is really possible. God only ever says "Yes!" So when you are thinking of not having something, God says "Yes! You don't have it!" When you are not afraid of not having an experience, but thankful for the possibility of that experience, God says "Yes! You are thankful to have it!" Fear is the only limit to what is possible. And you choose whether or not to be afraid. Once you have practiced moving past your fear, you have removed any barriers to what is possible for you. As I mentioned before, I started small in manifesting desires. Then I really began pushing the boundaries of what I could actually believe I would receive. I thought about having the opportunity to stay at home, write songs, and perform my songs for audiences. I thought about recording my music and sharing it with a wider audience and thus further enabling myself to continue my life's work by supporting myself financially to do so. And with great thankfulness for all that is possible, the tools, time, and people connections I would need to make those dreams come true began arriving in my life. They began arriving so quickly and with such presence, I could not ignore my seemingly impossible dream coming true right before my eyes! And the thankfulness that inspired the actual experience of my dreams and desires multiplied when the experience manifested, bringing greater power to my creative, thankful thoughts and bringing the experiences even more fully into being! Nothing could stop me! No experience I could ever imagine was out of my reach! Anything I can imagine can be my experience! Talk about some good news!
What to choose? So now what do you do with all that power? Knowing you can have whatever you want, and knowing that there isn't anything you could want that you can't have, how the heck do you decide what to want? So I had moved past the having faith aspect of knowing all things are possible, moved past having to suspend disbelief into gratitude, and then when I thought the hard part had been mastered, I found the next level of difficulty. What do I choose? Is there a right or wrong thing to choose? How will I know that what I choose is best for me, for my family, for my loved ones, for the world? Then I came back to the simple Truth; all you need is Love. By bringing Loving intention into everything I do, dream, desire, or consider, I ensure that I can't make a "wrong" decision. Love is integral to absolutely everything I do. I can not act without Love. I cannot imagine a life without Love. Love is the all and everything that makes all and everything make sense. Choose whatever you wish, but do so with great Love.

So looking at our family situation here are some of the things I am considering with great Love and thankfulness:

Supporting Joshua as he seeks his perfect employment
Supporing Joshua as he seeks opportunities to develop his healing practice
Being present for and with Isa as she grows and learns
Having time and space to paint and develop my skills in the visual arts
Having time and space to play music, write songs, and develop my skills in musicanship
Being confident in my roles as mother, wife, lover, friend, and spiritual seeker.
Knowing perfect joy in my constantly dynamic journey of learning, Loving, and living.

Two New Paintings

2009-07-27T13:12:00.004-05:00

I finally cleaned out my painting studio. The spiders had done such a good job of cultivating the creative energy of the space, what with webs of all shapes and skill levels. I killed no spiders, but cleared away their webs, thanked them for their watchful keep and wished them to find new places to spin.

I began to look through all the canvases. Some were blank and wrapped in plastic, some were given to me secondhand and needed some gesso before they'd be useful. I am still thankful that when I decided to begin to paint about a year ago, supplies began showing up in my studio. I have paid for very little in the way of art supplies or musical instruments and for that, I thank my friends, my family, and the abundant and generous Universe. I am living my dream of creating music and art everyday!

I eventually found two canvases in a state of mid-work that I thought needed some attention. The first piece I began working on about 6 months ago, but never found the finished vision of it on the canvas. It sat and sat, me not knowing what direction to take with it. I finally realized who this painting belonged to and once I had created the intention to give it to that person, I finished it pretty quickly and smoothly. Happy Birthday, Mimi!

There are a lot of symbols in the painting that represent faith, trinity, protection, understanding, purity, blood, oneness, and the holiness and sacredness of all things as One. I especially like the little lighthouse in the bottom corner. Here is a detail:

I use a lot of metallic, pearl, and paints with different levels of reflectivity. This makes the images in the painting stand out or blend in differently at different angles. It keeps the image in motion as your viewing angle changes, making the painting feel more alive and less fixed. I tried to show that in the next couple of detail pictures:

The second canvas I worked on is for Sean. My paintings tend to be really full; lots of images and not a lot of clear focus on any one image in the painting. This one, being painted to be hung in Sean's home, is really minimalistic for me. It is about relationships, relativity, disintegration, strength, and time.

I have a third canvas that I had begun painting some foundational images on, but lost my steam a few months ago. I am enticed to keep working on it as the creative juices seem to be flowing. I am trying to keep the momentum going on my visual art, even as I'm practicing more for upcoming musical performances and writing new songs.

sister spider

2009-07-24T11:11:00.003-05:00

the seven legged spider outside my window
seems to be managing just fine
she skitters deftly about on seven jointed spindles
crawling carelessly over the leg
(no longer attached to her body
but instead to a sticky clump in her web)
toward her mummified food
on tip toe, she pirouettes
to the choicest parts
and sinks her patient fangs into her prey
kissing, sucking, and drinking it's vitality
rejuvenating herself for the coming autumn
when she will spin a sac for her eggs
not thinking at all about her phantom limb

list of random positivity

2009-07-13T21:13:00.003-05:00

I don't want this blog to die.
But I can't seem to sit long enough to write a whole entry.
I have so much I want to say.
I have been through (and am going through) so much that I want to remember in a year (or ten).

*sigh*

Another list? I guess...

I am still writing songs. I am not so much in need of total solitude to write. I am becoming more honest and personal as a song writer. I am not shy about being in love with myself in my daily conversations, so I guess I shouldn't be shy about it in my songwriting either. I think I may be finished scouring my past for song material, at least for now. I am more interested in writing what is going on NOW. My ability to practice guitar is getting strong again as my interest in piano slightly wanes. It may be that I have more time and drive to practice at night and the piano is on the other side of Isa's bedroom wall. Hence, no night time piano practice. But I do still play piano every day and guitar almost every night.
I am a facebook freak. I can't help it. I can get in touch with EVERYONE that way and not everyone reads my blog. I'm sure there's a way to link this blog to update FB when I write a new entry, but as I've not been writing regularly, I've not bothered to look up how to do that. Perhaps my attention span has shortened with the immediacy of mobile facebooking from my phone and now I can't be bothered to sit down at an actual keyboard and type more than a sentence describing my mood. FOR SHAME! I used to be such a faithful blogger...
I have THE coolest friends in the world. I don't even know anyone that I don't like. I love my neighbors. I love my church family. I love my music friends. I love the people who like to eat my dinners when I cook. I love the people who read my dreams on facebook and write clever and insightful interpretations. I love my husband/ best friend/ lover/ shaman/ healer/ co-parent/ etc. I love my daughter, who is also my best friend since she helps me to be a better person without even trying. I love all the wonderful people in my life, and consequently, I really like my life.
I feel sexy again. I haven't EVER felt this good about who I am, how I look, and what I am capable of. I feel the most accepting of myself, for better or worse. I feel the most honest about who I am with the biggest number of people I have ever been so open with in my life. Bottom line: I am not shy about who I am and people seem to like me better that way which reinforces how good I feel about myself and makes me want to share that with others. Follow that?
I have a simple, but very full and busy life. I spend my days at home, working to keep our home a pleasant, clean, welcoming, nutritious place to be. I spend my evenings with people I love. I most prefer to entertain here at our house, but love that I am welcomed (and feel comfortable) in so many other places too. Life is great.

I think that's all I can write for now. Stay tuned, loyal readers. I'll be back with more insightful and interesting stuff. Maybe even some recordings of my music....

It all comes back...

2009-06-26T09:42:00.002-05:00

Lately I've been connecting with friends I've known for ten years or more. It's amazing how much love can survive through so little contact. It's blissful to pick up right where you left off with someone and palpably feel the love between you as the strong union it is. It's like firing a connection between two synapses and remembering something that makes a puzzle finally make sense again!

Thank you to all my loved ones that are a part of my life even when they're not. I love you!

"Look at what I've had to over come from my last life, I think I'll write a book..."

2009-06-04T12:07:00.003-05:00

I think that maybe I want to write a book. People have told me through out my life to write a book on this subject or that. I have been encouraged to write books about mothering, pregnancy and birth; about spirituality, joy, and love; and now I'm encouraged to write about relationships, how to love, and how to open the doors and windows on your fears. It is easy for me to see how all these subjects are tied together by desire, compassion, sharing, and Love.

I have been walking the Great Wall of Fear in my life for so long that I know it's borders, it's windows, it's doors, it's cracks, it's height and thickness... I know it well enough to plan how to cross the wall, effectively removing it's power over my life. I don't have to remove the wall, just see it from both sides to diminish it's power over me into oblivion.

When one is afraid of something, it creates tension and tightness in the body, a grasping. That contraction pulls the experience that causes fear into your life. The law of attraction works for all kinds of experiences! If one can relax about the experience, if one can release the tightness and pulling sensation, one can effectively prevent the fear of the experience from blurring the learning and expansion that can happen. On another side of this is being so excited or focused on a particular outcome that we can lose the joy of spontaneity and dynamism by being disappointed about an outcome or resolution of desire. Passion is great when you are THERE, doing something, but it is not so good for thinking.

Maybe a memoir is most appropriate. I think I'll go buy a blank book tonight...

Let me clear my throat...

2009-05-26T09:59:00.003-05:00

It has been a while since I updated this blog, and I don't really want to lose my connection to this wonderful ritual of looking at my life. I am re-reading my favorite old journal. I am clearing off my personal altar and looking at what is sacred to me. I am seeing my own ability to heal, myself and others. I really do have a special power to Love. (Or rather, I have worked hard to remove blockages and obstacles to the amazing and powerful Love of which all people are capable.)
I am feeling more alive and in Love than I have in such a long time. I am thankful to be who and where I am.
My songwriting is slowing down, but hasn't completely stopped. It is slowing down in the sense that I am not writing a song from start to finish in one day. I am adding parts here and there over the course of a week or more. I am carefully practicing each song to see how it can take on a life of it's own and not need to control the songwriting so closely... to let each song sing itself patiently to me while I translate it into something tangible. I think I thought I was ready to record right away as my songs started flowing out, but now I see that I need some more time to practice and hone each song before I create a recorded version. Even the skeletons of the songs need to be reinforced and made whole so that I can add to them more freely.
So that's me and my life in a few short paragraphs. I guess it's back to the piano for me...

Music is Miracles

2009-04-19T20:52:00.003-05:00

(balance yourself)
it was a steep climb
maybe instead of hiking
I'll try flying next time
this height grants new vistas
but they often go unshared
and no one wants to hear stories
about what happened when they weren't there
but when I get back
from this really high place
I can sing all I learned
with a smile on my face

First Friday

2009-04-03T09:02:00.002-05:00

So many things on my mind... a list may as well do.

Veganism. I have absolutely no doubt that it can and does provide all one could ever need nutritionally. I am not slamming it in any way or here to say it is impossible. It's very possible and quite adequate for your body, the planet, and your conscience. What I have found it lacking (for me) is the emotional connection of sharing food with others. I have found that my friends and family who love me very much are willing to go to restaurants where I can find something to eat; albeit a less than a satisfying experience for them, or one that I can't reciprocate. I can bring vegan baked goods and vegan extras everywhere and share my food with others. It is generally received well. What I can't do is reciprocate that receiving. I have had issues with receiving love my whole life. Now that I am well aware of that issue in my life, it seems ill fitting to put a block on what others want to share with me. I didn't stop caring about why I went vegan in the first place, but I feel that restricting all non-vegan food is not the right choice for me spiritually. I must learn how to recieve what others want to share with me.
Music. Our new car came with a complimentary subscription to satellite radio. My favorite station is called The Coffee House and plays all acoustic, singer songwriter music. It also plays "unplugged" versions of well known songs. It has been so inspiring to my own craft as well as introducing me to a whole host of new musicians and their work. I have added a "currently listening to" section here on Revolutionary Mama so you can see what's currently rocking me.
Guitar. I have decided that standard tuning is all well and good, but sometimes a new challenge can help one to discover a new way to love something. I have never really been in a position to try out new tunings because I've only ever had one guitar. But since I have been blessed with a handful of guitars and can only play one at a time, I have begun tuning each guitar to a different tuning so I can play around. Within five minutes of tuning into open D, I wrote an amazing chord progression and melody that is eagerly awaiting some lyrics. And, man, do I have a whole freakin' bunch of lyrics just awaiting the right tune...
Self Indulgence. Not to whine, but sometimes it's hard being so loved. I have people showing up at my home, calling me, emailing me, etc... and really, I 'm still feeling really introspective and closed up. I still need to be alone. I want to write music uninterrupted. I want to relax in my pajamas with sleepy hair and not fear that someone is going to come over and ask me to entertain them. *sigh* It is SO bitchy that I'm sitting here complaining that people love me (even though I'm clearly a selfish and self-important person) and that I just want to be alone. There are truly lonely people out there who would give up everything to have a strong community around them. And I'm not ungrateful. I see the value of my community, I appreciate all the people who stick by me, especially in light of my self-indulgent behaviors. But seriously... I turn my phone off most mornings first thing and only check my email every so often. I'm still in the winter of my creativity. Soon enough, I"ll emerge again and a big thank you to those of you who are still around. For those that aren't, maybe you don't understand me. Maybe you don't like me anymore. Either way, I'll be alright and I'll respect your choice to find friends who can meet your needs better than I can. Love and respect to anyone who has ever had or wanted to have a relationship with me on any level. I can be moody and challenging. I really only want lasting relationships with those who can take me as I am, but can still take me when I morph into some other creature entirely...

Tharp Family Update

2009-03-20T09:28:00.003-05:00

Things at the Tharp Abode are awesome. We just got a brand new car, Isa is thriving, and I have all the tools I need to write music and make art. *Sigh* The Universe has been so generous.
Joshua and I are truly enjoying our MSP class on Tuesday nights. It is facilitating some serious soul searching, which is something he and I have been doing as long as we've been together. That soul searching is really causing me to need some time to be introspective and alone. That, in turn is creating a NEED to write music. I finally understand what artists mean when they say, I have to paint, or I have to play music or I'll die. Yesterday, Joshua called me with his usual afternoon call to say he'd be home soon. And I said, "I wrote a new song today," to which he replied, "You say that everyday." Which is true. I do say that everyday. I have been writing a lot. I hope to have 8-15 songs ready to record in the next few weeks. The mood is here and I have the time due to Isa's ever growing independence. I also, as luck would have it, have a neighbor who is a musician and a stay at home Papa. He and I are working on helping to trade time with each other's kids so that we can write and practice our music without interruption. I think that is going to work out well for our daughters as much as it will for he and I. I love it when everyone wins!
Isa is doing quite a lot of writing too, these days. She has learned all her letters and uses them to write notes that we mail to her friends. It started when one morning she asked me to help her write a letter to her friend Rosa. I asked her what she wanted the letter to say. She said, "Dear Rosa, Thank you for being my friend; Love, Isa." So I sat down with her and said, "What makes a "d" sound?" She said, "Um.. D!" and then she wrote a D on the paper. We went through the whole message sounding out each word, letter by letter, Isa writing it all down by herself. When we were done with Rosa's letter, I was surprised by how legible it was. There it was clear as a bell, "Thank you for being my friend." And in true Isa style, once she does something she enjoys just once, she does it over and over and over again. So almost every day now, I have helped her to write a letter to someone. She always chooses who to write to and what to say. I only help her with the spelling. I can't believe she's only three years old! She is also spending a lot of time painting. So do you think she sees what I'm doing each day? Do you think maybe she's learning how to learn from me? I would say she's doing quite well, even as focused as I've been on my art and music, she is still thriving. At first I felt guilty for spending less time with her, but she seems to be taking that time to learn on her own. I just need to keep trusting in her ability to learn and grow without me micromanaging her day. It seems to be better for both of us to have some time apart, even in the same house!
Joshua is doing well too. His job is always an up and down for him. He loves it, then he hates it, and back to loving it. He is seeing some serious future for his company and seeing how his place in that future could be what he really wants to be doing. He sees a raise in his future too, so we're watching his joy unfold as well.

Our whole family is really peaceful and joy-filled right now. It's a great place to be.

An open apology to my friends

2009-03-13T09:16:00.002-05:00

I am realizing that my friends haven't seen me or heard from me for a while. If you are one of my very loyal and awesome friends and I haven't been calling you back, I want to take this opportunity to say I'm sorry. I want you to know that your friendship means a lot to me. I want you to know that I feel your love even across time and space. And I want you to know that I am alive...really, alive.
I have been dismantling my ego, deconstructing my reality, and making new patterns in my life whilst breaking old patterns. I am not sorry to be doing this work, I have called it into my life. I am sorry that when something had to give, it was my friendships. I am working toward being a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter, a better wife, a better mother, a better ME. If you're still around by the time I get to calling back, Thank You. I am a lucky, and blessed person to have you in my life. (You know who you are.)

LO
VE
j

Art and Music II

2009-03-10T14:28:00.002-05:00

I finished painting and sealing my fish guitar. When I restrung it the next day, I found that it sounds rich, warm, and wonderful. I've become so happy with the amazing assortment of instruments around our house! I am almost constantly surprised to find our lives full of things we can't really afford, but by the grace, generosity, and abundance of the Universe have not had to buy. In the words of the wise Walter Sobcheck, If you will it, dude, it is no dream."
The few people who have already seen this guitar finished and strung have made exactly the same comment: "Wow, this will look great on stage under some lights." So now, my mission is to practice everyday, find some open mic stages, and look for some available venues to play. I'm doing it! My dreams are coming true!

Have I mentioned that we don't have a car?

2009-03-09T09:38:00.001-05:00

Our beloved Scion got towed away today...
Joshua had been in a car accident last Wednesday morning and the insurance company "totaled" it.
So going:

going:

gone:

Bye, bye little car. Thanks for always keeping us safe. Thanks for all the crampy, friendly, and tiny little space you offered our family and friends. Thanks for getting us where we wanted to go. Thanks for being our first brand new car. Thanks for playing our favorite music as loud as we wanted. Thanks for carrying our groceries home every week. Thanks for being there for us when we needed you. Thank you and goodbye, little car.

Art and Music

2009-03-06T21:19:00.003-06:00

In the process of my focus on art, I also became focused on music. Not only did I acquire a guitar when I needed one, but I also came into two more guitars and a piano. Then Joshua got a drum. We now have "music room" where any sensible people might have a dining room... or at least some kind eating surface. Isa has a big box of instruments that she can play. And she's learning the C scale on piano from me.
But how might I get my painting going on? By painting a guitar. One of the guitars I came into recently belonged to my sister. She had painted it once, but had then painted over that with gesso. I had a primed white guitar in my house for over a month and didn't paint it. I thought Paige might want it back someday. But when she assured me it was fine to give the guitar away or whatever, I stripped it of its strings, sanded down the surface, and oiled and polished the fret board. A day or so later, I began a pencil drawing on the guitar. The next day, I went over the drawing with colored Sharpies. I used matte medium to glue on an astrological wheel I found in a free newspaper. Then I began to paint it...

More pictures to follow after I finish the painting. I can hardly wait to restring and play this!

2009-03-02T09:24:00.002-06:00

Juliana Hatfield wrote a song about sisters. For a while it was the story I told myself about my sister and I. It goes:

Sometimes I was the bitch, sometimes she was. Sometimes I would do anything to let her know I cared, sometimes she would. Sometimes I tried to scale her walls, sometimes she tried to scale mine. Either way, a firecracker went off in our eyes.
The thing is, my sister taught me a valuable lesson. Sometimes when I care, I over care. Sometimes I over comfort a person, thus not really comforting them at all. Who am I comforting then? Myself? So I am letting go of my ideas about her life. And that letting go showed me all the places I still had ideas about other people's lives... or my own. These ideas are just ideas until energy is given them. Once an idea has energy, it begins to manifest all over your life until the idea is reality. By worrying about negative ideas about outcomes, I unwillingly gave those ideas energy and began to help them manifest. When I let go of those ideas, I no longer gave them energy and they stopped manifesting. I felt peaceful about those ideas and peaceful with the reality I was living in.
And by forgiving myself for having had these ideas and created these situations in the first place, I was liberated of the need to forgive anyone else. Beautiful.

Musical Me

2009-03-02T08:31:00.003-06:00

Lately I've been playing and writing a lot of new music. Just in the last two weeks I've written three songs. Before that it had been years! In keeping with the magickal care of my instruments, I've been cleaning and restringing my guitar often enough for it to sound great. Spending that much time caring for the instrument creates a sense of satisfaction and confidence when I play. I have had exponential growth in my playing style and my ability to improvise the chords and music theory I know into new songs.

I had been wishing for a piano to help with writing the songs and just to be able to work on playing well. And then, this weekend, I got to move a piano in! Joshua and our friend Jesse did most of the lifting and such, but I did get to help her up the last few stairs out of my mother's basement and into the light of day.
The piano had been my maternal grandmother's. I remember playing this piano when I was a child. I don't really ever remember my Grandma playing it, but it was a favorite toy at her home when my siblings and I were there. It belongs to my sister, but as she is heading West with a man and a dream, no one is playing this gorgeous wooden wonder. She really is in great shape cosmetically, but she needs a good tuning. I am wondering whether or not I could tune it myself.**
In any case, all the noodling I've done over the past twenty five or more years has come back to me in full force. I know I can be a good piano player if I just practice. If you've known me for a long time, you will likely have heard me say "Everyone in my family has musical and artistic talent, but I am the child that didn't practice so my brother and sister are much more adept than I am with music and art." Well, I'm changing my tune and drawing a new picture of myself. I am now the child who didn't practice until she became an adult and came to enjoy the full blossom of her talent later in life than her siblings. It should be easy peasy to keep this spell going as it's a story I've been telling myself and others for years. These stories tell us who we are and I've been telling myself for years that practice is all that is needed to gently draw my natural talent out. And now that I have a nice guitar and a nice piano and lots of time.... you can bet I am spending every spare moment practicing.
My goals with all of this music are:

To tap into my natural talents and inclinations about music and play and sing
To write enough of my own songs to record an album or a demo
To play no less than once a month at my church, at open mic nights, in coffee shops, restaurants or somewhere else for an audience
To play music with my family and friends as part of our regular time together
To provide an example of the musical process for my daughter

(**Sidenote rant: As a society we have a tendency to see things as too complicated or specialized for a regular person to do and therefore call in a trusted expert to do these things for us. I do not want to be one of the helpless who is afraid to do something I've never done before. How does a piano tuning expert get to be so good at tuning pianos? By learning what to do, how to do it, why you should do it, then practicing... A lot. I can learn things well, and I have the time and resources necessary to practice tuning pianos. Do I really need a "professional" to do it for me if I have the time and necessary skills?**)

Thirty One

2009-02-23T09:00:00.007-06:00

Today I am 31 years old (or young). Here are some things I would like to experience at this age:

Forgiveness: I am in a process of dismantling my own worldview through self-analysis, meditation, healing modalities, letting go of addictions, releasing of external medicines, willful direction of my own life, and examination of my relationships. By these processes, I forgive myself and thereby am relieved of the need to forgive anyone else.

Joy: It is my natural and normal state of being to experience ecstatic joy independent of my circumstances. Regardless of the temporary conditions in my life I am able to radiate authentic pleasure which is contagiously shared abundantly into the lives of others.

Presence: Living joyfully in a state of grace and wholeness gives rise to a state of eternal presence. There is no guilt, discomfort, or shame from which to escape and so I am fully present in each Now and fully present in each relationship. Being unattached to the past and future creates a sense of peaceful "here-ness" in which I pass gracefully from each moment into the next with full awareness.

And so it is.

Catching up

2009-02-11T09:11:00.002-06:00

Whew! Where has the time gone? It seems I haven't blogged since December? Can that be?
Well, this new year has turned out to be the start of a good one. In a few weeks, I'll be celebrating another birthday. And just a week ago now, Joshua and I started our Ministerial Studies Program (MSP) at The Church Within. Having just two classes under our belt, it is hard to say what this thing is we've got ourselves into. Is it group therapy? Is it training for service to others? Is it undoing our egos? What IS this MSP thing? Whatever it is, it's exciting. I'm sensing the transformation that three years of Tuesday nights with the same twenty or so people can create. I'm enjoying it now and looking forward to how it will shape me.
It's wonderful that Joshua and I are able to do this together. It means, of course, that we each give up a weeknight with Isa every week for three years. That's 156 nights that Isa is given the opportunity for time away from us and time building relationships with other adults in her community. It's a big step and a bit of challenging growth for everyone in our family.
I have a lot on my heart, emotionally. My family feels really spread out... My brother moved to Atlanta for a spell, my Mom is so busy with her work, my Dad lives too far for me to drop by, and my sister, well, she's just not very present right now. I think all of us miss my sister. I'm trying to keep hope alive that everyone's relationships ebb and flow and that I won't always feel so disconnected from my family. Maybe this is natural. Maybe it's supposed to feel like this? This is what growing up feels like? If so, I don't really want to grow up.
Other than that, I've been having major bike lust lately. I'm ready to ride that Xtracycle, but I've got to save about twice as much money as I've already got. It seems that the fixed gear bike is going to have to wait. To spend any energy on that right now would be like buying a Camero when what you need is a minivan. I need a bike that can carry my family, a bunch of heavy cargo, and large objects (like guitars). And while it would be nice to race through the streets like a ninja on a fast little bike, it's not really a need. Still, I am enjoying hauling Isa all over town in her little trailer. I just need some panniers or something for all my books and groceries. *sigh* The Xtracycle really is a need.
I've had a sweep of Creative Ideas lately for art projects. I want to paint the whole inside of my house. I want to repaint the wood work, the walls, the cabinets, the doors, maybe the ceilings? I brought home a rainbow of paint chips for inspiration. They are taped all over the house in different areas where I think they'll get all kinds of light as the sun moves through out the day . I am also beginning some work with printmaking and linoleum blocks. I've been drawing more than usual, and though I haven't painted with acrylics in a while, I think my frequent drawing will improve my ability to paint (assuming the inspiration to do so will eventually come back).
I am mostly happy in my life. Isa and I are getting along reasonably well. I have been studying Marshall Rosenberg's NonViolent Communication techniques. WOW. What a wake up! I highly recommend his work to anyone who has to deal with, well, anyone else. It's awesomely transformative.

Isa has happy feet

2008-12-27T11:38:00.001-06:00

Isa can't really stop dancing. Not even for a minute. After watching the movie Happy Feet, she got inspired to see if her own feet could be that happy. The cuteness and determination with which she dances is awe inspiring. I just couldn't keep it to myself.

Christmas Merriment

2008-12-26T10:53:00.001-06:00

The clown suit was recently found at the RRFM. She hasn't really wanted to wear anything else since we brought it home. So, she wore it on Christmas Eve.

homeschooling begins

2008-12-23T09:53:00.002-06:00

Today was my first attempt to sit down with Isa and do some structured-type learning. I bought her some workbooks at education and art supply store nearby. These books are for teaching writing letters and numbers and sorting same and different objects. She understood the concepts well. She could easily identify both upper and lower case letters. She recognized all the numbers. She did decently well holding back her excitement long enough to listen to the directions for each page.
She had a harder time forming the shapes for the letters and numbers than I thought she would. But then, that is why I bothered to get these books in the first place. She seemed utterly disinterested in me teaching her letter and number shapes before. Now that we have a tangible format in which to explore, she was more interested. We worked for about 30 minutes or so this morning and completed about seven separate workbook pages. She was bored with the handwriting lessons, but wanted to keep on with the coloring. So, I cleaned up her workbooks and offered her some coloring books instead. I think it went well, for a first attempt. Here are my goals to work toward:

More focused energy and less scattered mind while we work.
A clear distinction between time to follow directions and time to play or draw freely.
A more easy going me so that I can remain patient with her while she learns.
A fun spirit that knows when to bend the "rules" and when to follow the instructions.
An enthusiasm from both of us that will carry us into more fun learning.

gift exchange

2008-12-22T21:50:00.000-06:00

just a laugh for this lovely holiday season...

Holiday Cookie Baking

2008-12-18T10:48:00.000-06:00

We needed some lemon zest for our citrus-y lemon cookies. Amazingly, when you give a piece of fruit to a kid and tell them to zest it, they get the hang of it pretty quickly.

Isa once told me that she was a little kid and I was a big kid. What kid doesn't want to lick the spoon?

10 reasons why I love being a full time parent...

2008-12-10T12:21:00.003-06:00

Loving the Self

2008-12-09T12:19:00.000-06:00

Do you ever just look at yourself
with this kind of look
and smile at yourself, cleverly, knowingly,
like you do to your best friend?

Can you breathe in your own breath
and accept yourself as you are
whilst keeping your eyes focused above on The Divine?

Do you love yourself enough
to give yourself a great big kiss or hug?
Because once you can do that,
you're finally so full of Love
that you have enough to give away.

It's good to have friends

2008-12-08T23:09:00.003-06:00

This is Isa and Davi. They played together ALL day today... which was wonderful for the kids as well as being wonderful for me. Sometimes I run out of ideas for stuff for Isa to do. That's when we get into video time or computer game time. Today she only spent about 20 minutes on the computer all day because she and Davi kept each other quite busy doing things like:

jumping on the bed,

flopping on the bed,

spinning,

and playing ring around the rosie.

They also did some painting, clay shaping, block building, doll house play, and dress up. Man, if someone would have told me it would be this easy to take care of two at once, I would have adopted a second child at Isa's birth. When you get two kids who play well together into a groove, the caretaker needs to do very little to keep that groove going. Not once did I have to break up a fight over a toy, or tell them not to hit one another, to remind anyone to use their words. *sigh* I wish it was this easy with all her playmates. THere are only a few for which extended playtime gets to be too stressful to be fun. But today reminded me that there are good friends out there with whom Isa can build relationships and learn how to play together, rather than against.

Vegan Thanksgiving

2008-11-28T09:12:00.000-06:00

Our family has so much to be thankful for. This year was our first thanksgiving as a family. We've celebrated as a part of our larger families, but never just the three of us in our own home. And being that this was my first vegan thanksgiving, I really went all out. I made us a FEAST! And none of that tofu fake meat for me, thanks, I made acorn squash stuffed with wild rice (from Accidental Vegan by Devra Gartenstein).

And in keeping with the true spirit of the holiday (you mean it's not just the gluttonous appetizer for the really gluttonous christmas?) here's just a small sampling of what I'm thankful for this year:

My family is healthy, sober, strong, smart, and really fun.
My home is safe, secure, and warm.
I have infinite opportunities to learn new things using free, public resources.
My child has infinite opportunities to learn using the same free resources.
My husband is making changes in his life he feels good about.
Our family is making great strides toward self sufficiency and sustainability.
Even during times of challenge, my family stays strong, faithful, grateful, and peaceful.
We eat like freakin' vegan royalty because I've learned to cook, I love to cook, and I have time to make stuff from scratch because I get to work at home.
My work in running this household and taking care of my family is fulfilling and rewarding.
My husband's magic is all around this house. And so is mine. And so is Isa's.
We belong to a spiritual community that we love and that loves and supports us.
We have many wonderful families who all love and support us as we love and support them.
God/Spirit/Love/Unity is in the center of everything we do as a family and all each of us does as individuals.
I have dreams that I dream actively and can look forward to coming true...

Isa's THREE!

2008-11-23T21:09:00.001-06:00

Isa woke again this year to a celebration waiting to happen. This year, having not had to share a birthday with Thanksgiving day, she got the whole day to herself! She started the day off her favorite birthday way: by eating a big bowl of ice cream for breakfast.

Decorating was fun. Even Isa helped with the crepe paper.

And little Zeus helped us blow up balloons:

I wish that we could have got some pictures of pin the tail on the donkey. Not a very vegan game, I know, but it was really fun. The kids loved the spinning around blindfolded and finding out where their tales ended up. Isa tells everyone that she played pin the tail on the donkey for her birthday, so I guess it was a hit. Maybe next year we can come up with a more humane version of the game.
So Isa is THREE! And I've been a mama for three years.... Where does the time go? Will I say the same thing when she turns ten? sixteen? thirty? *sigh*

What a 24 hours!

2008-11-14T13:45:00.004-06:00

In the last 24 hours I have experienced:

A car accident
A break in
A discussion on religious tolerance involving a panel comprised of Jewish, Catholic, Muslim and Atheist speakers (plus Joshua...whatever he is).
Assistance from our church community to get our heat turned on
A realization that we have a broken furnace

It's been a wild ride of ups and downs, let me tell ya!
It began yesterday with a phone call from our church pastor, Yvonne. She had been told by someone at the church that our family still had not turned our heat on. She asked if it was challenging for us to come up with the money to do so. I told her it was and she offered to use some money from a special church fund to help us pay our deposit and turn our heat back on! Miraculous! Meanwhile, Isa was in a rear end collision while on her way up to Noblesville to stay with a grandparent for the evening. No one was injured, thankfully, but it was still scary. Then Joshua and I departed for this wonderful discussion group event. The event was a round table on religious tolerance and moving beyond stereotypes. For as diverse as our panel was, it went beautifully: no confrontations, no walls, no defenses, just good, respectful, and tolerant conversation. That high was prolonged by a movie night at the Beelers' place. As Joshua had to work the next day, I was going to drop him off at home before I drove back up to Noblesville to get Isa. That was when we realized our rear kitchen window had been broken with a brick and our computers stolen. Now, remember, we have no TV, no stereo, no jewelry, nothing really valuable at all. Our laptops are both over three years old. All of our things had been rifled through, but the theives must have been sorely disappointed at their choice in homes to rob. As a last resort, they must have grabbed our computers on their way out...
SO, now I'm knee deep in insurance claims, furnace repair or replacement options, a search for firewood, and general errands and financial setbacks.

If you are a praying person, pray for us.
If you are a meditator, know peace for us.
If you are a witch/wizard, spells of peace, prosperity, and protection are appreciated.
Whatever you do in the name of Love, compassion, or God, do it for us.

Thanks.

p.s. I think I may have lost the only copies I have of Isa's birth photos. Can I cry a thousand rivers now?

Another reason to homeschool

2008-11-05T11:54:00.002-06:00

I recently joined an online forum on home education. Someone there posted this amazing twenty minute lecture on how children CAN self-organize and learn without a teacher.

Isa is a great example of this. Her computer skills amaze me all the time. Certainly she sees Joshua and I using our laptops and also our desktop. She watched, she integrated, she mimicked and now, she uses proficiently all the computers in the house. How many other parents let their three year olds use their computers? I would imagine that most parents would be concerned about allowing such a young child to explore such an expensive and valuable piece of technology. But, interestingly, if these same parents would get out of the way and allow their child to explore, they may find that the child could become quite a responsible computer user.
Isa can walk up to the desktop, turn on the monitor and speakers, click on the firefox icon, and then choose her sesamestreet.org book mark from the bookmark bar without assistance from anyone. She plays some of the free games on that site and enjoys learning some spanish, counting, and language skills without parental intervention.

What could you have done if it hadn't been for your well-meaning but interventionalist parents? What can your children do if you stop interfering?

I triple dog dare ya

2008-11-02T06:27:00.003-06:00

Isa is always doing things with a balloon (like biting, squeezing, etc...) that make me think the balloon is going to pop. The noise of a balloon popping is unpleasant to me, and I figure that since she can't handle the sound of a public toilet flushing, a balloon popping will be too much for her too. After tons of frustrated warnings that she is going to pop her balloons and none of them popping, I finally caved in and allowed her to pop a balloon on purpose. This, I assumed, in my infinite parental wisdom, would make my future warnings of her balloon popping more effective. I was prepared to handle it when the balloon made a terrifyingly sharp sound and the ensuing frightened cry of my child. This is what happened:

An October Photo Scramble

2008-11-01T12:30:00.006-05:00

This is what Isa looked like after all day in the trailer and immediately following her first Critical Mass ride. It was Halloween night and she was in her full fairy/ballerina/princess regalia. When asked what she was for Halloween, she always said, "Tinkerbell."

Here is Isa playing her new saxophone she got from Uncle Jay. He took her to the toy store and let her pick out whatever she wanted and this is what she chose. She enjoys playing it very much.

This is Isa's favorite resting spot on Mass Ave. She really likes this tree for some reason. She tries not to trample the plants (Sorry KIB!) and enjoys the shade while I lock up the bike and trailer.

Here are several shots from our trip with our Friday playgroup friends to the Apple Works orchard in Trafalgar. If you've never been, I hope these pictures convince you to make the drive. It was so beautiful. They have a train for the kids to ride, a petting zoo, a giant tube slide, lots of beautiful land to romp around on, and of course, an apple orchard.

Pumpkin Muffins (with help from Isa the kitchen fairy)

2008-10-30T13:04:00.000-05:00

Isa and I made pumpkin muffins and they were oh-so-fine. I stole this recipe, but from a person who is a self-identified anarcho-feminist-collectivist, so I doubt she'll mind me posting it here. Please go out and buy her book (preferably from Good Earth in Ripple), because it has the best recipes ever.
Here's what you'll need to make your own delicious muffins full of autumn-y goodness:

1 3/4 cups flour
1 1/4 cups sugar
1 Tbs baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp ginger
1/4 tsp allspice
1/8 tsp cloves
2 tsp cinnamon
1 cup pureed pumpkin
1/2 cup soy milk
1/2 cup canola oil
2 Tbs molasses (for dat asses)

Preheat oven to 400.
Lightly oil pan or set up muffin liners.
Sift together flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, and spices.
In a separate bowl, whisk together the pumpkin, soy milk, oil, and molasses.
Pour wet into dry and mix well.
Fill cups 2/3 full.
Bake 18 - 20 or until done.
Eat 'em all up!

Banana Muffins

2008-10-28T11:08:00.004-05:00

These beauties are very easy, very yummy, and very vegan... Here's what you need:

4 Tbs canola oil
2/3 cup granulated sugar
4 ripe bananas, peeled and mashed
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 2/3 cups whole wheat flour
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
optionally, you can also add 1/2 cup finely chopped walnuts

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.
Spray your muffin pans with oil or use muffin cup liners.
In a large bowl, mix oil and sugar with a mixer.
Add bananas and vanilla, mixing well.
Combine flour, baking powder, and salt.
Add the dry ingredients into the wet, mixing only until combined, being careful not to overmix.
Pour mixture into cups, each 2/3 full to allow muffins to crown.
Bake 15 to 20 minutes or until fork inserted comes out clean.

Now, enjoy them while they are still warm! Coming soon... pumpkin muffins. Stay tuned!

s-h-o-p-p-i-n-g

2008-10-24T23:30:00.008-05:00

It's not really a sport in our household. We've mostly cleaned our home out, down to practical sparseness. We don't buy books, we borrow them from the library. We don't buy music, we listen to Pandora. We don't buy a lot of things, because, well, we don't need a lot of things. But having pared down our closets, we realized we needed some essentials and sooner than later. My one warm turtleneck sweater that I got at the last clothing exchange I attended is getting tired. I love it, but it needs washing and what will warm me while it's wet and spinning? I knew it was time to break out my anti-mall, secondhand solution: The Thrift Store.
The Thrift Store is great, because its a kind of adventure. You never know if you will find what you are seeking. But you might find a lot of special surprises and deals too good to pass up. Tonight I went out seeking a sweater and found three. So I went crazy and spent twelve bucks on clothes tonight and came home with two turtlenecks and a cardigan as well as a pair of silk/linen pants. I felt like a total consumer for buying more than one sweater, but hey, I helped recycle some perfectly good clothes into the hands of someone who will love them until they are threadbare.
I also found a brand new, manuals-included, never-been-used bread machine (for seven bucks!!!) I can hardly wait to wake up to the smell of freshly baked bread in the mornings. My friend Mary inspired me to look into getting a bread machine, but I never found one. Then I went into Goodwill tonight and the shelves were literally lined with them! Our family buys at least two loaves of bread a week. Since my new favorite snack is sourdough bread toasted with almond butter and maple syrup, we've gone through more bread than usual. The holidays are going to be much more fun with homemade bread to share at gatherings.
Anyway, all of this excitement over thrift store shopping is actually excitement at rediscovering a long lost part of my family's history. My mom used to take us "garage saling" (and, yes, I often thought of it as spelled "sailing" as we sailed from garage to garage). She taught us how to haggle prices and when to leave and item for something better. Gambling on whether or not an item would still be there if we didn't find something more suitable was part of the rush of garage saling. Our Saturdays in the summer and fall would sometimes be planned on Friday evenings by the yard sale section of the newspaper. We would create a geographic circle of sales and proceed to each one in order, forming a route that would lead us back home with our new-to-us treasures. Buying secondhand items has always been a way of life for me. I like wearing things that are already to the comfortable stage of "broken in." That's something new clothes can't really offer. I also like knowing that I am not buying based on what's "hot and trendy" but on what looks good on me, or, more likely, what feels comfortable for me to wear. I enjoy the curiosity of a hundred or more items on a rack, not size varied duplicates of one another, but a hundred or more individual items, no two alike.
Kids like The Thrift Store too! Isa enjoys checking out the toys and books, as well as diving into the middle of the racks to hide. She also seems to delight in the handling all the many textures at her disposal. She tells me what clothes she likes and asks me what I like.
The point is that it is a completely different experience than non-secondhand store. Not only does secondhand shopping reduce the waste stream by giving new life to discarded items, but it is an adventure that new item shopping just can't top.

Bicycle Dreams

2008-10-19T16:12:00.003-05:00

Joshua and I finally got started on our bike dreams. Last night, having found no other time to do it, we painted our bicycles in the middle of the night. I'm sure our neighbors wished we would turn off our blaring garage light. I'm sure they also wondered what the heck we were doing when we hung our stripped down frames from the rafters of our garage with string. But hey, we now have some pretty spiffy bike frames to work with. Here are some exciting shots of our work:

Next we have to wait a few days to put a second layer of paint on, followed by a generous clear coat. Then... we start buying and installing parts and components. Maybe by spring our steeds will be ready to ride.

Pandora's Music Box

2008-10-18T20:23:00.002-05:00

Since I got my old laptop back, I've finally been able to discover Pandora. I had no idea how much I loved music from the seventies. But when I created a station based on the music of Tori Amos, I finally got to fall in Love with Laura Nyro. I've been meaning to do that for about ten years. Her name was first mentioned to me by a drummer from my father's band who said if I liked Tori I should look Nyro up. I meant to, all along, but Pandora reminded me and then I fell head over heels. I also have been revisiting my friendship with Joni Mitchell and learning to like Kate Bush. I have also recently been introduced to Charlotte Martin, who is amazingly Tori-esque, and yet original. If you haven't jumped on the Pandora bandwagon, I highly recommend it.

Where to begin?

2008-10-16T10:31:00.002-05:00

Autumn is usually a good place to begin. And today, in my opinion, is the first day of autumn.
I am sitting in my kitchen in autumn light, listening to iron and wine, and watching my daughter paint. My house is a mess, and so is my head. But then, those two messes usually coincide, so I'm not surprised. I know that as soon as I can make time and energy to clean up my home, my head will clear. I have been extremely busy making life's material plane more spare. This way, I can see the Aetherial plane more clearly and with fewer distractions. One of the distractions that was until recently missing has paired with a new working power cable. The mac is back! And as such, my habit of internet blogging is also back! I have what feel's like a month's worth of pictures and stories that are likely not going to make it to blog fame. However, I will try and pick up where I am presently and continue. After all, my best friends are the ones with whom I can pick back up any time and feel as though I can easily be present with them.

A little photo recap...

2008-09-29T13:01:00.010-05:00

So much has happened in the past week, I cannot possibly blog it all. But there were some wonderful things worth mentioning and seeing:

Here are Cosi and Isa enjoying some local blueberries. John and I supervised while they baked some delish blueberry muffins and banana muffins. Vegan baking ROCKS! The batter is always safe to eat!

>And being generous, Isa and I held back and saved some muffins for Joshua.

This is how stargazing and birdwatching looks in the city.

Wondering what she saw as she gazed? This:

Here is Isa snuggling up to a sleeping puppy. Because, well, it's really cute.

And last but not least, this is why she only gets juice once a day:

It's been a long time...

2008-09-27T01:44:00.000-05:00

but tonight I stayed up and painted again. It's about a quarter till two a.m. and I'm finally going to bed. I worked on five different paintings tonight, (finishing one), after a several month hiatus. I felt the need to get some things out.
A cycle has come full circle. A triangle that had been isosceles is now equilateral. Balance has been restored. Welcome home, Jay. Home is always the place where you feel most loved, most understood, most accepted.

And it's not even the full moon.

Gathering

2008-09-17T17:53:00.004-05:00

Today was a splendid day. Isa and I woke to a chilly autumn-y morning. We ate warm breakfast together and laughed. We packed lightly for the day and headed to Kat's. The bus ride there is kind of an intense one as far as walking is concerned. I joked about how it felt like portages. I would get off the bus, and walk with all my things to another spot, ride the bus some more, then walk again. When I arrived at Kat's apartment community, I took a wrong turn and was thwarted by the body of water that runs through the complex. I kept wishing for a canoe at that point, but couldn't imagine it on the bus... but what if I had a canoe that I left at Kat's for this purpose... :) Portages must have really been on my mind.
We had planned last week to visit a sweet little place that Kat had found on her many walks with Victoria. A few weeks ago, they discovered four apple trees whose fruit had grown so abundant, the branches were breaking. I had eaten an apple from one of those trees last week and they were delicious! This week, having planned to gather apples, I brought an extra bag with me. Kat, Katie, and I all kept eyes out for the girls and Orion as we made the trek over to the sacred place, all open land with great sections of brush, wild and teeming with life. Many of the bushes had berries, some edible by humans, but most edible for the birds. (Maybe that is where the expression, "for the birds" came from... not good for people, so it must be for the birds!) The girls were loving it! All around was green and lush, harvest time coming in after a beautiful summer. We found the trees and filled bag after bag, basket and bucket with ripe delicious apples.
Anyone have a good apple butter recipe? Or any other apple recipe for that matter... I've got a LOT of apples to work with!

punk rock kitchen!!!

2008-09-11T12:13:00.004-05:00

I am feeling giddy because I just did something very spontaneous and crazy...
I was cleaning my kitchen and saw the cans of spray paint that Joshua and I bought to paint our bikes. They have been nagging at me to find them a home until they can be used. And since my bike project is kind of bust for now... what to do with all that paint? Taking it back would be the sensible thing to do, of course, as it is still in the bag with the receipt. But I've also been noticing that my stove (a freebie, hooray!) and my fridge (another freebie, hooray) are an almond color and the rest of my kitchen is white. The contrast makes my appliances look dull and slightly unclean. That's also about the time I noticed that the color I had chosen to paint my bike was a metallic version of the color of our kitchen walls and ...

*PRESTO!*

I got out some of the ShopLocal papers from my recycling bin (sneer, snicker!) and placed them under my stove. I removed the burner elements and catch basins underthem. I replaced them with more newspaper (or maybe adspaper?). Then, the excitement created by what I was about to do took hold and I started shaking the hell out of those cans. And yes, now I have a shiny metallic turquoise stove! I want it noted that I did not use any painter's tape, I did not work hard, and I probably did not do a very good job. But it was fun, spontaneous, and I feel good about it! So there! Here are some in progress shots:

Of course, as spontaneous and poorly planned projects go, I ran out of paint before I got to the final surface. I called Joshua to ask if he would please stop by the store and pick up another can of auto paint...? "Because", I said calmly, "I just painted half of our stove..."

revolutionary vegan

2008-09-09T11:17:00.003-05:00

So I've been secretly working on a new blog...revolutionary vegan. It is mostly a food chronicle, including recipes, of my first month as a vegan wife and mother to a nonvegan husband and nonvegan toddler. I'm finding, though, that there are other issues about my veganism with which I wrestle that don't quite fit into a food blog.
For example, while I agree that animals don't exist solely for human consumption and exploitation, I am not really an animal rights vegan. My main reason for considering veganism was an ecological one. Anyone who reads this blog with any regularity knows that I spend a good deal of time and thought on how to experiment with my lifestyle to bring about a smaller carbon footprint from my family. So that brings up the leather and wool question... Most vegans do not wear leather for obvious reasons and many choose not to wear wool either. But my reasons for veganism are the same ones that have led me to use reusable diapers, menstrual pads, and even toilet wipes! So it makes very little sense to me to cease the use of my leather goods, many of which I have owned for years and have many years of usefulness left in them. Most of my wool socks I have owned at least as long as I've been married, some for even longer. So what's the right thing to do? Many vegans would scold me for using the word vegan to describe myself while I was wearing a wool sweater and leather boots. Should I call myself a dietary vegan? Would that make it okay with other people? Do I care what other people make of my choices? It has been my experience that non-leather shoes do not last as long as leather ones. It has also been my experience that wool sweaters tend to hold up much longer than their acrylic counterparts (which are manufactured using harmful methods and made ultimately from plastic which comes from fossil fuels). In my attempt to consume less, I try to buy things that will last. I also buy most of my goods secondhand, thereby creating less demand for new goods to be manufactured. Is it unethical to be vegan and buy a secondhand wool sweater? Is it unethical to eat a vegan diet and wear my favorite wool socks that I've worn for more than seven winters in a row; or for that matter to wear my leather boots that I've had for five years, but still look brand new?
Just before I acted on my decision to adopt a vegan diet, I purposely propagandized myself with a bunch of animal rights books (such as Animal Liberation by Peter Singer and Empty Cages by Tom Regan) and by visting many vegan animal rights websites that show footage of factory farms and such. It made me glad to not be eating eggs, chicken, milk, or other animal products. But it only brought up more questions when the ethical repurcussions of my new diet came to try and make friends with my thrift store philosophy and my anti-consumerist lifestyle. While I realize that a leather wearing vegan seems like hypocrisy to some, my reasons for those two things being harmonious are the result of a well thought out, open to experimentation, and steadfast belief system that has taken years, literally decades, of cultivation.
So I guess what I'm saying here, is that I'm not perfect. I am towing the same line I gave to my new vegan friends at last month's potluck; we all do what we can. It seems to me that life can always be improved, there are always changes one could make to live more fully by the ultimate principles that guide one's choices. At this moment, I am choosing to continue to wear my leather and wool while maintaining a careful assessment of all the ingredients I put into my meals, choosing always the animal-free option. The ultimate question I am asking here is this: Is it more green to go on an animal-free shopping spree for all new socks, shoes, sweaters, coats, comforters, blankets, purses, and so on.... or to continue to use the ones I have? What would become of all the wool and leather in my house should I decide to get rid of it? Should I let someone else who cares even less than I do about the fact that the damage has already been done to the animals used to make it wear them until they are no longer usable? Or should I wear them myself and try to make different choices when the time comes to replace these items. I mean, that could take years... Many of these items were bought specifically for their durability. Some of those items were handmade for me by people I love and are considered by me to be heirlooms. Does my new diet and my new level of ahimsa awareness (non-harming) preclude my ability to continue using these items?
Questions, questions... asking good questions allows one to more closely examine choices, perspectives, and lifestyles. The fact that I am asking these questions means that I am adjusting well to changes or at least taking changes in my life seriously. There are only more questions to ask and more to consider as the previously unchallenged choices in my life fall under scrutiny and consideration. And today is only day 9 of my vegan diet. Be prepared for more on this and similar subjects as my life begins to change...

Turkey Run 2008

2008-09-08T13:47:00.009-05:00

Joshua and Mariah grab snacks while Andy plays guitar.

Andy plays while Daddy harmonizes.

Joshua wakes from his outdoor snooze.

Tante Jules and Isa share a conversation.

Isa was the official dice roller for Tim and Julie's Yahtzee game.

Isa was also the official Bean Bag Bringer.

What a pretty fire!

Andy and Joshua whittle their cares away.

Andy and Daddy prepare to leave for home on their bikes.

It's officially autumn when we go to Turkey Run

2008-09-05T10:34:00.002-05:00

I've spent the last 18 hours or so planning, packing, and preparing for our family's annual weekend at Turkey Run State Park. I've baked four kinds of cookies, corn bread and banana bread. (Don't tell the family they're *gasp* VEGAN!) I've also prepared all the ingredients I'll need for a new tradition at this year's weekend: a chili cook off! The only thing I had to prepare ahead of time for my chili is to sautee the onions, garlic, peppers and spices so I can add them to the crock pot tomorrow. (It's also vegan.) I've packed clothes, toiletries, and personal bedding for three. I've made and mastered lists of things that need to be kept cold and borrowed my Mom's big-ass cooler. Now... I've just got to get all this stuff into our tiny car.
This year's trip presents a fun new challenge of what to eat while I'm there. Traditionally, our whole extended family eats at the Turkey Run Inn for breakfast on Saturday and Sunday morning. Being vegan means that the Inn's all-you-can-eat breakfast bar isn't as much of an option for me as it used to be. So I planned ahead to bring things to eat for breakfast. When I mentioned this to Joshua, he decided that my cooking, vegan or otherwise, trumps the Inn anyway. So our family will be doing the breakfast thing in our cabin with an electric griddle. We can reminisce about when we lost our cooking abilities last winter when our gas got shut off. Hooray for nostalgia!
I am already looking forward to our Saturday hike and the Von Trapp, er Anderson family sing-along around the fire, which unswervingly includes my Dad and his amazing accordion. I am also bringing my guitar which might not get played by me, but will definitely get played by my brother and maybe my dad. Yay for family! Yay for fall! Yay for tradition and family-culture oriented jokes! Pictures and stuff to follow...

Opting Out

2008-08-29T09:44:00.003-05:00

It seems unfair that one should have to "opt out" of unsolicited advertising. Shouldn't it be such that one should only have to "opt in," thereby actually soliciting that information? I have eradicated much advertising in my life by making simple choices. I have no television which cuts out a lot of unsolicited brainwashing. I do not have any magazine subscriptions that advertise products that I would never consider purchasing. (I am subscribed to Mothering, Mother Earth News, and Home Education Magazine.) I have taken myself off all the telemarketing lists and wiped my address off the lists of most solicitors. The only two I can't seem to get away from are the Jehovah's Witness religious solicitors and that persistent little newspaper advert that comes every week without fail.
I spent two hours this morning trying to opt out of our weekly sales rag called "ShopLocal." You know, that 1lb. of newsprint advertisements that you promptly remove from your mailbox and place (without even glancing at its contents) into the recycling bin. Now cringe and think of all the people who do the same only are placing it in the plastic bag destined for the landfill; not a happy thought. So I looked at my circular this week only to find opt-out information or a phone number or some kind of contact info. None. There was an address on Pennsylvania Street, but no phone number or email address or website. The name of the paper is "The Star's ShopLocal" so I tried googling the Indianapolis Star and ShopLocal. I got a list of phone numbers and started dialing. No one at Indy Star could help me. Not even the people who wanted to could help me. It's not like the Indy Star phone answerers are inept. Many of them commented that given all the phone numbers they had, none seemed to be the right one. Many even commented that it seemed like they didn't want you to be able to opt out. Really? Hmmm... So I googled ShopLocal and found only ONE phone number: the one to call if you'd like to advertise in their paper. So I called it. After being on hold for ten minutes, having to press "0" every thirty seconds or so to remain on hold, I got an answer. I told her I was looking for a way to opt out of delivery of the ShopLocal circular. She informed me that ShopLocal LLC was not in control of the distribution of their paper (!?!?!) only the content. She gave me a number to call to opt out. Thinking I may have found the trap door that lead to the secret passage allowing one to actually stop receiving unwanted mailings, I called.... The Chicago Tribune. Hmm... Perhaps not. So Then I got out the big guns and called Gannett directly. They acquired ShopLocal LLC a few years ago. If they couldn't help, I was considering sending unsolicited mail to them in defiance. Perhaps I could come up with some kind of newsletter that showed the pointlessness of sending unsolicited advertising, or the waste created by mailing paper circulars, or the anger it instills in customers who no longer want to receive the mailings but CAN'T friggin' opt out!!!!
The woman that answered at Gannett was very friendly and offered to help. She took my phone number and address and said she'd research it and call me back. While I'm not holding my breath that she'll actually call me back, I did keep her phone number to call her back...everyday until she helps me. Seriously. I will.
Then I found a number at Indy Star that handled subscriptions (after the four other subscription/ delivery numbers I tried) and called it. The woman took my name and address and told me she'd remove me from the list. If I get another circular next week, I'll call her back and scream, "YOU LIED TO ME!" Hopefully, though I won't have to. Here is the contact information that seemed to take care of my subscription:

Make requests to:
Circulation Sales Manager
The Indianapolis Star
307 N. Pennsylvania
Indianapolis, IN 46206

(317) 444-3530

If you don't read your ShopLocal, call them and request that you get removed from their list. Save a tree and save your mail carrier from having to lug this crap around!

This is the Postal Service Statement:

The Postal Service must deliver all properly posted mail. You can, however, reduce the amount of advertising mail you receive by contacting the following organizations to request removal of your name from mailing lists:

Mail Preference Service
Direct Marketing Association
P.O. Box 282
Carmel, NY 10512-0282

Trans Union LLC
Name Removal Option
P.O. Box 505
Woodlyn, PA 19094-0505

Experian Consumer Services
901 W. Bond Street
Lincoln, NE 68521-3694

Equifax Inc.
Name Removal Option
P.O. Box 740241
Atlanta, GA 30374-0241

Up to 90 percent of mailing lists are accessed by this process. Registrants generally note a decrease of unsolicited mail one to three months after their names are listed. Since some customers may receive mail under various names, include alternative names or spellings to ensure that the advertiser's mail is stopped.

In summary, by law we must deliver ALL mail that has been paid for - including your private personal mail and that of businesses and organizations.

If you're really angry about junk mail and want to fight back, I really like this idea: click here!

EDITED TO ADD: I got a call from someone at the Indianapolis Star a few hours after writing this blog confirming that my name and address had been removed from the ShopLocal Mailing list! Hooray! The number above was listed as the privacy policy number. They apparently, handle the subscription to unwanted solicitation emails and phone calls. Call 'em!

Georgia On My Mind

2008-08-27T08:48:00.005-05:00

This past weekend, our family had the great pleasure of attending a wedding in Georgia. Joshua's brother Christian married his true Love on the beautiful campus of Berry College. The campus itself is mostly wildlife preserve and boasts the largest acreage of any college campus in the world. The deer population there outnumbers the students eight to one! Everywhere we looked, out the windows of the comfy cabins, or on a walk, there were not just one or two deer, but groups of ten or twenty deer calmly grazing the open grass meadows.
The wedding was splendid. The married at Frost Chapel, pictured below:

The ceremony was filled with Spirit and full of Love and emotion. When the doors at the back of the chapel opened and Christian, standing at the altar, laid eyes on his beautiful bride, he melted into his hands and cried. I have never seen a groom so overwhelmed with Love and joy upon seeing his bride. Not a dry eye in the house, I tell you. Gorgeous new love!

The drive to and from Georgia took about eight hours each way; which is a long time to keep a toddler entertained in a subcompact car. My mother let us borrow her portable DVD player for the ride, which almost kept Isa entertained. She was quiet and zoned out, but at least she wasn't freaking out. We stopped at a nasty fast food place with a playground about halfway home so that she could get some excercise and move herself around. What I remember from childhood trips down to Florida was a lot of lounging around in the back of the van free from the constraints of seatbelts. I remember toys in boxes under the van's "way back" seat and walkmans and books. Isa will remember straight-jacket-like restraints and stiff muscles. Here is what she looked like:

A wonderful weekend of Love and joy was had in Georgia. Thanks to Candice and Christian for inviting us and allowing us to enjoy their special day!

Critical Mass

2008-08-20T14:09:00.009-05:00

critical mass
–noun
1. Physics. the amount of a given fissionable material necessary to sustain a chain reaction at a constant rate.
2. an amount necessary or sufficient to have a significant effect or to achieve a result: a critical mass of popular support.

Anybody on a bike should be able to tell you that Critical Mass is a monthly ride to demonstrate cyclists' right to use the road. Truthfully, though, not enough people on two wheels know that they have a right to the road. A giant mistaken idea that runs rampant among cyclists and drivers alike is that bikes belong on the sidewalk. This is just simply not true.

9-21-11-2. Rights and duties of person riding bicycle.--A
person riding a bicycle upon a roadway has all of the rights and
duties under this article that are applicable to a person who
drives a vehicle

There is a rich history of two-wheeled, human powered vehicles that is greatly overshadowed by the history of motorized vehicles. The pavement that auto drivers think they own wouldn't be there if it hadn't been for the bicyclists who voiced their needs for a smoother riding surface. Until the time of the bicycle, all traffic was pedestrian or wagons pulled by horses or other animals... all rolling slowly and bone-shakingly over dirt or cobblestone. It was because of the bicycle that paved roads and traffic control signals became a necessity. Bicycles were neither pedestrian traffic nor cargo traffic, often moving much faster than either one. Currently, cars have taken over as the main form of traffic. However, all the laws governing traffic were originally written for bicycles and then later adapted to motorized traffic. Now that bikes aren't the fastest traffic on the roadways, we are suddenly being asked to ride alongside pedestrians; which is dangerous to both cyclists and the walking public.
These times of fuel crisis, ecological crisis, and oppressive government have taken their toll. Most apathetic Americans are just laying down (likely on their couches with the TV on) and taking it, but some of us less phlegmatic folks are saying enough is enough. We are boycotting petroleum greedy autos and hopping back on human-powered wheels. Now is the time to remind the car driving road hogs that we were here first. And we're not going away... not even to ride the obstacle courses called urban sidewalks.
So that's one reason why I ride in Critical Mass here in Indy. Here are some more reasons:

There is strength in numbers. Me riding by myself doesn't bring much attention to my right to the road. Me riding with my sweet Junior Revolutionary in tow doesn't show people clearly enough that I'm consciously choosing to eschew earth crushing, resource hoarding, elitist automobiles as a lifestyle choice. A whole slew of people (who ride for their own reasons, not necessarily the same as mine) riding bikes as a singular group draws a lot of attention. We ride together, but may share little else in the way of worldview.
Community is great. As stated above, no two riders seem to participate in Critical Mass for the same reasons; but we all love to ride bikes. Being around people who love to ride makes you want to ride too. The enthusiasm is highly contagious when you are riding with more than fifty other people. Plus, if you are interested in other group rides, the best local bike shops, advice on anything cycling related, or just need other bikers to comiserate or celebrate with, you won't have to look too far.
It is liberating to own the road... for once. When you are riding in a giant group, cars can't ignore you and don't usually overlook your presence. I would not advocate riding the way I ride during a Critical Mass ride in your everyday cycling. Personally, I prefer to ride carefully, obeying traffic lights, and yeilding to other users of public space when appropriate. That' s not really how Critical Mass works, though. As our group of pedalers gets bigger, we must stay together; even if that means the last half of us ride through a red light. If the mass were broken up into smaller fascicles with cars separating the clusters, we would lose the critical in Critical Mass. As the definition above states, we need the whole group in one big entourage to achieve the necessary result.
It's quietly powerful to ride en masse. The sound of 65 to 100 people in cars traveling down a main thoroughfare is quite noisy. The sound of 65 to 100 cyclists, by contrast, is remarkably quiet. Even when we're all ringing our bells and making triumphant cheer over the stalled automobiles, we're not all that vociferous. The power in our presence comes not from our obstreperous sound, but our sheer volume. That many cyclists take up a lot of space on the road... and that is the point. In our quiet but voluminous way, we're saying, "There are a lot more of us than you think."

Indianapolis is growing as a city and it seems hopeful that each month's Critical Mass ride is larger than the one before. More and more pedal pushers are finding their way to this communal celebration of bicycles. If you have a bike, won't you come out and join in the fun? You can find out more by clicking any of the links below:

http://indycriticalmass.com/

Indy Critical Mass on MySpace

I hate to keep bringing this up, but...

2008-08-16T09:55:00.000-05:00

hanging laundry is such pleasant work. I spend about 10 minutes in the beautiful weather (abosrbing my vitamin D needs for the day and increasing the seratonin levels in my brain). I can see Isa also enjoys our time in the backyard. She gets some sandbox time, I get some time to engage in repetitive body motion that is as relaxing and centering as meditation. And then, when I'm all finished, I look and see all the diapers I didn't throw into a plastic trash can liner to stink up our home and later, infect a landfill with unsanitary waste that won't break down for 500 years or more. I see all the toilet paper I did not flush into the oceans, creating the demand for more deforestation just to wipe my bum. I see menstrual pads that did not go into a landfill and create demand for more petroleum based plastics to be made to hold my precious moon blood.

Most people do not see toilet paper as "optional." Most women can imagine no alternative to disposable menstrual products (which are causing reproductive disease and ecological problems to boot). When I see this visual reminder of the choices I make for myself and my family, it feels so good. Not too many people walk past our backyard in a day. I wonder if the ones who do notice our strange assortment of things hanging. What could those tiny squares be? Are those diapers? What in the world are those colorful, funny shaped things? I doubt anyone is paying that much attention. But when I broadcast it over this online, global medium, I wonder if it makes anyone else realize that they have a choice?

Last weekend, our family went to a vegan/ vegetarian potluck. Our family is what I like to call "part time vegetarians" or sometimes "part time vegans." We do eat meat occaisionally, but make vegan and vegetarian choices for meals most nights of the week. Having attended the potluck, our eyes were re-opened to why veganism feels so good. If we can cease our use of toilet paper, why not meat and dairy? If we can choose cloth diapers, wipes, and menstrual products as a consious effort to live more sustainably, why not plant a garden and live only on the food that grows sustainably too? Joshua and I are making strides toward veganism, but taking small steps. Our plan is to commit to one completely vegan day a week for a month. The two completely vegan days a week for a month, then three, then four. If we can eat vegan five days a week, I have a feeling the meat and dairy we would "allow" ourselves on the other two days a week would lose its appeal. When I started using cloth wipes instead of toilet paper, T.P. totally lost its appeal. It was rougher, more hassle, and less pleasant than my lavender scented, soft flannel. Once you see the effects of your good choices, the less they seem like sacrifices. I didn't sacrifice toilet paper, or disposable diapers for the more work, less waste scenario. Likewise, the conscientious choice to move toward veganism is not the sacrifice of meat and dairy for a more green diet. Here's hoping the same principles of change apply to diet as the rest of our lifestyle choices. (And cheers to Christina for inviting our fam to her vegan potluck! It was inspiring!)

Anything you can do in a car...

2008-08-14T11:58:00.003-05:00

I can almost taste the feeling of freedom... I have been dreaming of the best way to equip my bike to replace my toddler and grocery and library book hauling car. So far, it's been me, a backpack, a shoulder bag, a rear-mounted baby seat, and a practically gyroscopic sense of balance. Isa is quickly outgrowing her baby seat and needing a new way to comfortably cruise in revolutionary style. Most bike shops and non-parenting riders suggest a trailer for this purpose. And while I see its merits, I am not convinced that this is safe on the mean urban streets. It's great for the Monon, fabulous for a cruise around the neighborhood, and well-designed for hauling loads of fresh foods or good reads. But being below the eye level (not to mention bumper level) of the cars on the crowded city streets makes me nervous. I'd also like to add that hauling all that weight behind your normal center of gravity on a bike makes the trek pretty hard on the legs.
A few years ago, I saw this amazing cargo bicycle parked in front of Yats on Mass Ave. I wondered about it, but never really followed up on it. Now that I need a cargo bike, I was pressed to think of the name of the bike. (Can I mention how much I love Google? Because, damn. Its just so useful. ) A few combinations of search terms later, I found the Xtracycle. *sigh* This is the most amazing and useful adaptation to the basic bicycle design I have ever come across. Now I cannot rest until I have converted my Trek 7000 Multitrack into a book, meal, and kid hauling machine. I won't go into what makes this Xtracycle so amazing. You can look it up for yourself and see why a rear hitched cargo trailer absolutely PALES in comparison to the usefulness of the Xtracycle conversion.
And then, as I was dreaming about how to save the necessary funds to get one of these sweet machines, I became inspired by these dedicated bikers. The following footage proves that cars are just NOT necessary in life. Cars can be useful, but they aren't necessary. Necessity and convenience are not the same thing.
Bike Move NYC from Nicholas Whitaker on Vimeo.

A Conversation wtih The Holy Trinity

2008-08-13T13:16:00.003-05:00

I read this passage from Conversations With God Book 2 by Neale Donald Walsch. It made me realize that I really do pay attention to all three parts of myself. I am not just a body who needs fed, clothed, and entertained. I am not just a mind for the input and output of information. I am not just a soul whose work in this life determines my degree of awareness and therefore bliss. I am a body/mind/soul being, a trinity of union, a divine and complex creature. Read this passage and look at your life. Do you know yourself? Do you acknowledge all of your parts? Does your life reflect a nourishment of body, mind, and soul?

Those who evolve to a high level of understanding bring their bodily desires into balance with their minds and souls.
You are three-part beings, and most people experience themselves as a body. Even the mind is forgotten after age 30. No one reads anymore. No one writes. No one teaches. No one learns. The mind is forgotten. It is not nourished. It is not expanded. No new input. The minimum output required. The mind is not fed. It is not awakened. It is lulled, dulled. You do everything you can to disengage it. Television, movies, pulp paperbacks. Whatever you do, don't think, don't think, don't think!
So most people live life on a body level. Feed the body, clothe the body, give the body "stuff." Most people haven't read a good book- I mean a book from which they can learn something- in years. But they can tell you the entire television schedule for the week. There's something extraordinarily sad in that.
The truth is, most people don't want to have to think. They elect leaders, they support governments, they adopt religions requiring no independent thought.
"Make it easy for me. Tell me what to do."
Most people want that. Where do I sit? When do I stand? How should I salute? When do I pay? What do you wish me to do?
What are the rules? Where are my boundaries? Tell me, tell me, tell me. I'll do it- somebody just tell me!
Then they get disgusted, disillusioned. They followed all the rules, they did as they were told. What went wrong? When did it turn sour? Why did it fall apart?
It fell apart the moment you abandoned your mind- the greatest creative tool you ever had.
It's time to make friends with your mind again. Be a companion to it- it's felt so alone. Be a nourisher of it -it's been so starved.
Some of you- a small minority- have understood that you have a body and a mind. You've treated your mind well. Still, even among those of you who honor your mind - and things of the mind- few have learned to use the mind at more than one-tenth its capacity. If you knew of what your mind is capable, you would never cease to partake of its wonders- and its powers.
And if you think the number of you who balance your life between your body and your mind is small, the number who see yourselves as three-part beings- Body, Mind, and Spirit- is minuscule.
Yet, you are three-part beings. You are more than your body, and more than a body with a mind.
Are you nurturing your soul? Are you even noticing it? Are you healing it or hurting it? Are you growing or withering? Are you expanding or contracting?
Is your soul as lonely as your mind? Is it even more neglected? And when was the last time you felt your soul being expressed? When was the last time you cried with joy? Wrote poetry? Made music? Danced in the rain? Baked a pie? Painted anything? Fixed something that was broken? Kissed a baby? Held a cat to your face? Hiked up a hill? Swam naked? Walked at sunrise? Played the harmonica? Talked 'til dawn? Made love for hours... on a beach, in the woods? Communed with nature? Searched for God?
When was the last time you sat alone with the silence, traveling to the deepest part of your being? When was the last time you said hello to your soul?
When you live as a single-faceted creature, you become deeply mired in the matters of the body: Money. Sex. Power. Possessions. Physical stimulations and satisfactions. Security. Fame. Financial gain.
When you live a dual-faceted creature, you broaden your concerns to include matters of the mind. Companionship; creativity; stimulation of new thoughts, new ideas; creation of new goals, new challenges; personal growth.
When you live as a three-part being, you come at last into balance with yourself. Your concerns include matters of the soul; spiritual identity; life purpose; relationship to God; path of evolution; spiritual growth; ultimate destiny.
As you evolve into higher and higher states of consciousness, you bring into full realization every aspect of your being.
Yet evolution does not mean dropping some aspects of Self in favor of others. It simply means expanding focus; turning away from almost exclusive involvement with one aspect, toward genuine love and appreciation for all aspects.

prayer flags

2008-08-11T12:37:00.002-05:00

As I hung each diaper or wipe, I imagined how much they looked like prayer flags;
each sway and flutter an opportunity to carry the hope of a cleaner world.
Does the Great Mother hear the call of my laundry?
Can my dream of sustainability be formed into wishes
that I pin upon a line and wait for the wind to carry
them off to become intentions?

A new meditation exercise:
pin a hope, dream, wish, or prayer
to each piece of clothing
hang it on the line
offer it to the wind
offer it to the world
offer it as a possibility in my own life.

Community, Sharing, Growing

2008-08-11T10:34:00.002-05:00

I've been very overwhelmed in the last few weeks. Our family's life has been FULL of things to do, events to participate in, communities to gather in, meals to share, ideas to explore, and opportunities to give. Sometimes I get antsy when we are this busy. Other times I remain calm and able to enjoy each new experience fully. The last few weeks have been a combination of feelings and a flux of emotion.
I am vowing, as this is a Monday, to start the week with a calm spirit and to follow my heart and not my head. My head often tells me, "You can't do this, it's too much, it's more than you were willing to give..." My heart often tells me "You are being asked to experience sharing, to experience strength, to experience patience," etc... "Will you say to no to what is being offered to you?"
One of my favorite films, based on some of my favorite music, is The Beatles Yellow Submarine. There is a theme in the film of YES vs. NO.

Yes is an open, expanding word. No is a closed, contracting kind of word. I am not seeking closed, contracting experiences in my life. Not do I want those experiences for my family. By simply saying YES, my perception of a situation, person, idea or thing changes. Saying YES affirms and acknowledges. YES makes room for things. YES brings possibilities. NO closes off possibility and limits choices. NO can not fully embrace the world. And what one resists persists. NO creates a persistance of what is being refused. I am done "fighting for peace." I am done saying NO to conflict. I am ready, instead, to say YES to cooperation. I am done saying NO to cars, and instead saying YES to cycling and walking. I will no longer say NO to what no longer serves me, my family, and the world at large. I will, instead, say YES to what does serve.

To keep living, to keep learning, to keep loving

2008-08-06T11:26:00.002-05:00

I have had a lot of family relationship issues brought back up front from the backburner in my life. I have faced down some of my fears about those relationships and realized, without fail, that in every situation, one thing needed to change: ME.
It reminds me of this scene in The Matrix;

I kept trying to bend the other person in these relationships. I kept trying to formulate how to have a discussion with them that kindly and lovingly said something like, "I want our relationship to be more authentic, can you please be more open with me?" or "You and I are different and I feel like I am accepting of your differences, can you please be more accepting of mine?" Either way, I thought I was in the right and that the other person needed to change for it work out. And how ironic that I thought I was being accepting of the other party's differences, when really, I just wanted them to change so the relationship would be more comfortable for me. (Things that make you go hmmm...)
So now, I am realizing the truth... that is not the spoon that bends, it is only myself.

Isa's First Ride

2008-07-31T23:01:00.005-05:00

Tonight we made the bike ride a family affair. I've been trying to get Isa to the church parking lot to ride her little red fixie. Tonight, she finally consented. She impressed me with her steering, and wowed me with her stamina. She rode on the street, the sidewalk, and finally out in the parking lot (or as I like to call it, the bike-playground).

Here's a video I made with some clips of her ride:

When the sky finally looked this this, we rode home and she passed out inside of a minute after her head hit the pillow.

Dance Party!

2008-07-30T21:51:00.003-05:00

When I tire of endless games of Hi-Ho-Cherry-O, when I just can't read another story about Frog and Toad, and when I cannot bring myself to clean up after another messy preschool art project, I break out my secret to being a happy mother of a happy child: THE DANCE PARTY. Watch and learn, my friends:

You may now go back to your regularly scheduled day of dishes, laundry, and cooking.

A Bicycle Obstacle Course Built for Two

2008-07-28T22:02:00.003-05:00

For the last several Monday nights, Isa has been spending the night at my Dad's. The question of "what do you want to do this Monday night?" has always been answered like, "Dude, I don't know. Let's just go to a coffee shop or something..." But now that Joshua has a bike and we're both so interested in biking... we raced home from the north side tonight to ride together.
I felt unsafe about riding far from home, as it was getting dark and I have no lights on my bike; not to mention the sketchy surrounding neighborhoods. Instead we rode a few blocks away to our neighborhood church. It has a huge paved lot, fenced in away from the cars. We just rode in circles, weaved in and out of poles, and dared ourselves to ride as fast as we could through narrow spaces. Basically, we just practiced our biking skills. I have never done that before. I've ridden a lot of bikes in my life, but never for any other reason than travel. Riding to practice being a better rider had never crossed my mind. Squeezing my fat handlebars and baby seat between a building and an phone pole was exhilarating in a way I'd never experienced a bike. I suddenly understood the call to ride that boys all over the country in cities and suburbia alike had heard every day. How fast can you do this? How slow can you do it? How much tighter can you take that turn? How much further can you ride without touching the handlebars? Can you bunny hop that? I'm sure I looked ridiculous trying to learn how to raise my entire bike off the ground. How many girls on hybrids with baby seats have you seen bunny hopping in a parking lot? But it was really fun. We would keep finding new challenges to practice.
"Try riding between the recycling dumpsters and turning the corner by the building"
"Can you follow up that slalom between parking curbs with a tight circle around this pole?"
I remember taking the narrowest gap at the highest attempted speed and making it... and then saying, "Do you want to do this every Monday night?"

Reduce-Reuse-Recycling Tips

2008-07-17T14:37:00.000-05:00

Here are some simple things you can do to reduce your consumption, cut the costs of every day living, and become more GREEN.

The following are things our family has already implemented:

Instead of buying disposable tissues, use a hanky.
Instead of drinking from disposable cups, carry a reusable thermal beverage container.
Instead of using disposable diapers, use cloth diapers.
Instead of using plastic pads or tampons, use cloth menstrual pads or a menstrual cup.
Instead of recycling resealable plastic bags from food packaging, use them to store leftovers.
Instead of collecting plastic bags from the store, always carry a few reusable bags when you go out.
Instead of using disposable take-out containers, bring your own reusable food storage containers.
Instead of using disposable baby wipes, make or buy reusable wipes. When on the go carry a travel bottle filled with water, a few drops of castille soap, and a few drops of essential oils for a sweet smelling tushie.
Use paper grocery bags to store and carry your paper recycling to the drop off.
Walk or bike to as many locations as you can.
Instead of throwing away food cuttings or using a garbage disposal, compost your kitchen scraps.
Instead of recycling cardboard cereal boxes, open them flat and let your toddler paint them.
Reduce your use of toilet paper by using reusable wipes when possible.
Instead of creating demand for newly manufactured items, when you need to buy something look for it at a thrift store, giving an old item new life.
Instead of recycling glass jars, use them to sprout plant cuttings, as a paintbrush can, or to carry water on the go.
Buy books, magazines, music, and other media at used book and music stores.
Use your public library extensively! It's free and awesome!
When you have clothes you no longer wear, alter them into something new and creative!
Offer your no longer used appliances and goods to craigslist or freecycle.
Support craigslist and freecycle by looking for what you need.
Buy magazines in digital format whenever possible.
Recycle hole-infested tee shirts and socks as utility rags.
Instead of disposable paper napkins, use cloth napkins. (It makes dinner feel fancy!)
Share gardening tools, ladders, and other rarely used equipment with your neighbors.
Share meals as often as possible to reduce waste and build community.
Use the fewest number of automobiles you can to serve your family's needs. (We use only one.)
Use public transportation whenever possible.
Flush your toilet selectively ("If it's yellow, let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down!".
Use cold water instead of hot water for dishes, laundry, and bathing.
Instead of using harmful chemicals to wash your clothes, use super concentrated, eco-friendly detergents.
Use found materials to make art instead of purchasing costly materials.
Instead of buying new resealable bags, reuse the ones you're given.
Instead of buying bottled water (and the plastic it comes in) filter tap water for drinking and cooking.

The following are things our family has not yet implemented but would like to:

Install a passive solar collector on your roof to reduce the need for gas or electric powered furnace.
Be sure your home is well insulated against both heat and cold.
Let your gutter system drain into a rain barrel and use it instead of the spigot when using a hose.
When your car is dirty, park it outside in the rain instead of in the garage.
Buy wool sweaters from a thrift store, felt them, and make diaper covers, handbags, pot holders and other useful items.
Instead of purchasing seeds that travel a long way to get to you, make friends with your neighbors and ask to use cuttings from their plants to start your garden.
Use native flora to flower your garden.

Got ideas? I'm game.... leave your idea for me as a comment. Be the change you want to see in the world!

The Summer of Love

2008-07-16T09:14:00.004-05:00

Isa and I have been making weekly trips to see my Grandparents for lunch. The Four Generation Lunch is sort of a tradition in my family, as I remember taking my Great Grandfather to lunch once a week when I was a child. After our special lunch time, we head up to my Dad's house for some afternoon swimming. Here's Isa trying to get us to the pool a little faster:
My Dad is great with her in the pool. They splash and play while I sit on the lounger chair and devour books. She enjoys being fully prepared for water play as you can see here:The only time she isn't totally covered in swimming gear is when she's skinny-dipping at Lisa's farm. Our friend Lisa has a huge farm South East of Indianapolis. We've been heading out there about once a week to enjoy the open land and to visit Lisa, Zeus, and our dog Samedi. Samedi has left city life for good to bound over fields of tall grass and round up steer on her daily walks with Lisa and Zeus. The other activity that has filled most of our time this summer is the summer reading program at Central Library. Isa has become quite good at choosing books she'll actually like. She knows which library card is hers and enjoys helping to stuff cards in the book pockets at check out time. Here she is with Joshua checking out 30 pounds of books...I decided to add a little color to our lives and buy some cheapy pink hair extensions. Isa became attached to them very quickly. I clipped one behind each of her ears and when she looked at herself in the mirror, she exclaimed, "I'M THE ONE WHO'S CALLED SAILOR MOON!" I guess she thought the pink tendrils looked like Sailor Moon's hair. What do you think?

Ever since she started wearing this pink hair, she refuses to be addressed as anything other than "the one called sailor moon," or "sailor moon" for short. This came about because she discovered an old VHS Sailor Moon tape at my Mom's house. Because she likes Miyazaki's Spirited Away, Howl's Moving Castle, and Kiki's Delivery Service so much, I let her watch it. Now she's SO into Sailor Moon for pretend play. Makes me think I'll be making her a Sailor Moon costume for Halloween this year. Here is Sailor Moon eating Ice cream at my Grandparents' house after the Four Generation Lunch:

And here is Sailor Moon as a rock star, singing with her guest vocalist, Papa.

The Not-so-Lazy Days of Summer

2008-07-11T06:50:00.016-05:00

No lazy days of summer for a family of Luddites like us... Yesterday, I washed a load of laundry and hung it on a line. It dried soft and warm in the sun. While it was drying I used the reel mower to trim up the yard. After a cold shower (which felt like heaven, trust me) I made lemonade with real lemons with Isa.

Organic Lemonade

16 oz fresh squeezed lemon juice
32 oz water
1 1/2 cups organic sugar

For the most juice, let your lemons come up to room temperature before juicing. Add the sugar to the juice, and mix well until sugar is dissolved. Pour into a pitcher, then add the water. Serve over ice.

Lately I've been very interested in the idea of urban homesteading. Mostly, I want to minimize our use of electricity, water, and other resources and still get the work of living done. You know, for hundreds of years, people could wash their clothes without a washer and dryer. They could also cook food without electricity or natural gas! Imagine! How novel and fun! While I am not really to a point where I am comfortable going without electricity (or God forbid, the internet!!!) I have found ways to reduce our usage, and therefore our carbon footprint.For example, we light up our whole house after sunset using candles. I found a wonderful resource for long burning, extremely inexpensive candles at a religious supply store in downtown Indy. It is just one bus ride away from home and I can get a dozen fifteen hour votives for three bucks! They also have seven day candles for about two dollars each. Those things last forever when you only burn them a few hours a night. The other nice thing about using candles instead of electric lights is that the house is significantly less bright which allows your body's normal, sleepy reaction to the lack of sun help you gently to fall asleep.Another example is using a clothesline instead of our dryer. The dryer runs on natural gas, which we have elected not to turn back on after we paid our bill. Instead, I get soft, clean clothes off my clothesline. The dryer raises the temperature in our house and makes folding the hot clothes a less than pleasant task in the middle of an Indiana July. (We don't use our air conditioning either...*gasp!*) But the sun-warmed clothes off the line have been gently blowing in the breeze and dry without excessive heat. The sun doesn't just warm the clothes and help evaporate the water, though. It can actually help "bleach" the stains from your whites, such as our cloth diapers or used-to-be-and-soon-to-be-again white kitchen towels. A dryer's high heat can actually set a stain into the fabric, while the sun can help those dark spots fade.While I was pushing our reel mower all over the lawn, a guy came up to me with a flyer in his hand advertising his services as a handyman and lawn caretaker. He smiled at me as he approached and said, "That's a lot of hard work." I said, "Yeah, but it's quiet, it's free, and it's actually kind of fun." That confused him. The thing is, I see no point, absolutely no point, in going to the gym. The simple work of living; like pushing a mower, like the repetitive motion of hanging clothes on a line, like washing dishes by hand, like carrying your child instead of pushing a stroller, like taking walks to the grocery store, like gardening, like taking the stairs, like carrying books 10 blocks from the bus stop to the library, the work of living is workout enough for me. My skin has been kissed a thousand times by my days spent in the sun. My muscles are strong and firm from walking, lifting, and working to run my home. I feel healthy and strong and I waste no hours driving to the gym, paying someone to let me use their stairmaster while I watch corporate TV. I spend that time hanging laundry while Isa plays in the sandbox and reading a book in the shade while the sun dries my clothes. I spend that time making dinner from scratch or reading to my curious little girl. I spend that time feeling satisfied that being a farm wife in the city is actually quite rewarding and sweet.
Next year, the garden will be a new challenge and a fun new way to spend time outside with Isa. She loves the extra time out doors rather than being inside while I fold laundry, inside a car, or inside while Papa mowed the lawn on Saturdays. More time outside, means a girl who sleeps hard at night and wakes up ready to be outside again. More time outside means less time inside being bored. I can think of a million reasons why I love my life right now. I love the work of livng, I love living within my principles, I love being happy doing the work that serves my family, I love doing that work on my own terms. Oh my gosh! I am an anarchist, afterall!

Kid's books can require censorship?

2008-07-05T10:13:00.006-05:00

I am proud to say that Isa is a book worm. She comes from a long line of heavy readers and library regulars. I encourage her to read with me and to choose her own books at the library. The last time we were there, we picked up a few books that seemed innocent enough, but upon reading them to her and looking at the pictures, I thought better of them... This is the story of why old classic children's stories may need to be censored (at the family level only! DISCLAIMER: I do not support someone outside our family choosing for us what books should be available. Making choices based on our family values to read books we enjoy, eschewing the ones that do not support our family values is a personal choice. I would never assume to know what might be offensive to your family or seek to remove those items I deem unworthy from a library's shelves. In all things I am pro-choice. If something doesn't suit you, then don't choose it for yourself.)
The books in question were originally published in the late fifties and early sixties and were written and illustrated by Syd Hoff. One book, called Julius is particularly racist and outdated in it's mindset. The story begins with Davy and his father, Mr. Smith, each holding a gun and walking through Africa followed by a never ending line of identical dark-skinned men in turbans and loin cloths. Their mission is to find and catch an animal for the circus. A lion, a giraffe, and an elephant all clamor for the opportunity, but are dismissed. The animals seem very disappointed not to get the opportunity to be exploited in the great American circus. When they do meet the gorilla they've been seeking, he introduces himself as Julius. Julius is very genteel and even has good table manners. He offers himself up to Mr. and Davy Smith and the next pages show him in a cage being carried by the anonymous Africans, then "giving the men a rest" by carrying them in the cage. Once they arrive, Julius the gentle African giant, offers himself willingly to the circus man. Julius sits in his cage and lets the people look at him making comments about how they hope he can't get out. Julius politely responds that he doesn't want to get out because he likes it there. A malicious fly comes into Julius's cage and lands on his nose. Julius is kind and considerate to the fly, asking him respectfully to leave. When the fly refuses, Julius jumps up and down to frighten the fly away. This scares all the spectators and they all leave.
It seems to me that the message of this story is that all wild animals desperately dream of being of service to human kind. Living in their natural habitats is not only insufficient, but undesirable. No animal can really have it's dreams come true unless humanity intervenes and presents them with the golden opportunity to be "cared for" and made into a star. Animals need us for their livelihood and we need them to entertain us, apparently. As long as these beasts act submissive and docile, they can be tolerated, but showing the slightest bit of their wilder nature is not to be condoned.
Another book, called Oliver, is a similar story. This one opens with several elephants coming "across the ocean" on a ship. (From where?) When they land, the circus man counts them and is pleased to see that all ten elephants he ordered have arrived. Oliver, the eleventh elephant, is saddened to find that he is unwanted by the circus man. He tries the zoo, but the zoo man doesn't want him either. He then tries to emulate various other animals (all domesticated house pet types) so that he might be accepted as a pet by different people, all of whom eventually deny him or send him on his way. He finds some children in a park and plays with them a while. The conversation turns to what the children would like to be when they grow up. Oliver says he's always wanted to be a dancing elephant in the circus. He then begins to dance for the kids and is seen by a crowd of onlookers. This detracts business from the circus and the circus man then admits that he made a mistake and needs Oliver. Oliver happily joins the circus.
Here again, the business of removing animals from their home to come to America and entertain us is seen as their only purpose. Poor Oliver is not truly happy and fulfilled until he has a master to serve. Can you think of anyone else who has been taken from their homeland to serve the Europeans? Can you imagine how unfulfilled they must have been until they arrived here and found themselves in the "care" of their masters? It's not stated, but it's inferred methinks. The other underlying message here is that unless you can bring the master, er, circus man money, you aren't worth your keep. Nothing is of value, then unless it helps you make money. Once again, this is a message that I don't really want inferred to my daughter.
The final story that we read together was called Chester. This one was about a wild horse living in the American west. When the cowboys came to capture some horses for domestication, Chester greets them and stands still waiting to be roped. The cowboys surmise that since Chester is just standing there, that he can't run and decide to leave him behind and rope all the horses who are running away instead. Later in the story, Chester is running and the cowboys see him. Chester is then invited to come along with them. ("Aha! He is of value!" the cowboys must have thought to themselves.) He sees all of his friends at the ranch. They are mostly saddled and tied. They tell him, "You were right. It is nice here," and he finally gets his chance to join them in service to the cowboys.
Hmm... Can you think of anyone else who lived in the American West who were so graciously "rescued" from living wild, untamed lives by the nice Europeans? There aren't many wild horses left in the West today and not many Native Americans either. Just a coincidence? Or are these old children's books helping to spread the idea that "civilized" humans are superior and the salvation of the untamed, animal like sub-humans whether animals or people of color?
Needless to say, these books will be returned to the library and not read in our home again. It is important to me that Isa not get these kinds of messages however covertly they are tucked into children's stories. Maybe I'm just reading too much into these stories, but I felt uncomfortable with the pictures and absolutely appalled to read aloud lines spoken by animals who desperately want to submit to humanity, and whose only value comes in how they can be useful to people. It made me feel sick. If I wanted my child to have these kinds of values programmed into her, I'd stick her in front of a television and save myself the trouble of reading to her.

On the other hand, there have been several classic children's stories who've been given new life and become wonderful lessons. There is a fantastic book called Out of the Egg by Tina Matthews. It is the story of the little red hen who finds a seed. She does all the work of planting the seed and helping the tree that springs from it to grow, while the cat, dog, and pig say, "not I," when she asks who will help. But the ending of this particular telling does not have the righteous, high-horse riding little red hen saying, "then I will sit in it's shade by myself." This redition has the little red hen's chick making friends with the offspring of the cat, dog, and pig. When the little red hen does not want to share with the kitten,puppy, and piglet, her chick helps her to see how selfish she is being. And the little red hen instead returns in kind to her chick's friends, sending them each home with a seed to plant their own trees.
This is more like the kind of message I want to send to my child as we read together. Matthews helps to convey the ideas that repaying all acts with kindness is the way to go. Also, grown-ups can be wrong and children can be the wise ones sometimes too. Sharing is always a good idea. I'm going to be more selective in the future about which books I read to Isa. It's only fair to her to have her life enriched by the books she reads.

Pictures and Movies of our summer

2008-07-02T21:26:00.001-05:00

Here are some lovelies that just sing the song of summer:
This is Isa being loved by Mr. Peaches at Indy Pride. Mr. Peaches and Isa spent a good amount of the day playing together in the grass and being pointed at while someone said "Awww..... that's SO cute!"

Isa just loves bubbles. She asks for them all the time. She has become extremely good at blowing bubbles without spitting. She also has set new records for how many minutes she can solidly spend blowing bubbles without passing out or spilling the bottle.

Isa likes for Papa to get in on the fun too. The game is one person makes bubbles, the other person pops them. A nice, cooperative game of you make, I break.

Oh the sweet joy that 99 cents worth of glycerin water can bring!

This is everything I brought with me on the bus: toddler, cart full of laundry (dirty cloth dipes), backpack (full of clean cloth dipes), tote bag (full of library books), reusable coffee cup, and of course, the iPod. Is it ironic to anyone else that this bus stop (10th and College) is in front of a giant parking lot full of buses?

The iPod, is of course, for Isa to jam out to Dan Zanes or the Paprika soundtrack while we wait for the bus. Note the Happy Birthday Bear in her dress pocket. And while you're at it, note the absolutely adorable dress and shorts that my mom made for her! Thanks, Nana!

And when we return home from our public transit adventures, Isa and Papa spend a good deal of time reading even MORE library books while Mama makes dinner. She'll be reading on her own in no time, I'm sure.
This book is a colorful one about a bike messenger. Sometimes my interests rub off on her. :)

And what says summer more than a splash pool that sprays you with water? Thank you to Sarah and the boys for sharing their new toy. And here it is in action:

I feel like we've been exasperatingly busy this summer, but really, we've just been doing our thing. I actually feel peaceful at the end of the day, as if we've accomplished a day's work with joy in our hearts. Slowing the pace of our life has been so beneficial. We've been able to spend time with a lot of old friends whom we had not seen for a long time.
Summer days driftin' away....

Some Commitments

2008-07-01T14:03:00.000-05:00

In the spirit of being the change I want to see in the world, I commit to the following:

I will drink coffee if and only if it is Fair Trade, Organic, and/ or Shade Grown.

For this bit, I am purchasing only this coffee for home consumption. But those of you who know me and are used to seeing me with a coffee cup as a fixture in my hand, know that I like to grab a drop on the go. For this, I have remembered that I can go to any number of locally owned coffee shops such as Monon Coffee and Tea and find coffee that fits my ethical profile. But what if you're in the middle of suburbia and no locally owned, and yet globally minded businesses are to be found? Well, fear not, because some corporate giants do have soul. Starbucks carries a variety of Shade Grown, Organic, and Fairly Traded coffees for the easing of my addiction's pain. Did you know that you aren't limited to what's on tap each day at the 'Bucks? You can walk into any store and order a freshly made French press of coffee. It costs about three or four dollars, but you can get a personal press served to you with a real ceramic mug! There is enough coffee in each press to share, or to sit back and enjoy. Not only is it fresh, made just for you, and better than coffee made with disposable paper filters (which I think rob coffee of it's best oily flavors) but it tends to slow your coffee experience down from a fast-food pace to a slow-food pace. So worth it! You have also cut down on the disposable materials needed to fill your order, even to the point of waste-free. When you order a press, you may request any coffee that is in stock on their retail floor, including their Fair Trade, Organic, and Shade Grown coffees. I firmly believe that using your dollar to support those efforts creates demand for the largest coffee company in the world to continue to buy coffee ethically.

I will reduce my consumption for disposable food packaging by being prepared, carrying non-disposable alternatives, planting a garden, and eating out less.

This can be easily accomplished by carrying a really sturdy hot/cold thermal cup everywhere I go. The other little person who accompanies me everywhere also has her own smaller version. This way, we never are forced to accept plastic, styrofoam, or other earth choking sposie crap. Also, by putting my thinking cap on, I can often find a way to use less. If I spill something at a restaurant or coffee shop, I don't grab a handful of paper napkins. I politely ask a staff member for a towel so I can clean up my mess. I carry a hanky at all times. It's great as a napkin, a tissue, toddler clean up tool, etc... Really, everyone should always hav-a-hank.

I have also been known to bring along my own doggie bags. When my family goes to certain restaurants, I know that there will be leftovers to take home. On those occasions, I bring along some pyrex containers from home to pack up the remainders of our meal. This way, I don't have to throw anything away. The reusable containers I bring also help the food stay fresh longer in my fridge, thereby again creating less waste. Those clam-shell style styro things are useless in my opinion. They usually spill on the way home, aren't airtight so food doesn't stay fresh and your fridge smells like takeout until you throw it away.

The other thing I have been doing a lot lately is talking to restaurant and coffee shop managers about offering a non-disposable option. I am always cheerful and non-confrontational in my approach. Not too long ago, while dining at Boston Market, I realized that everything I was using to eat my food was recyclable. Everything from the drink cups to the plastic spork to the plates and napkins. Then I looked around the store... only trash cans were available to collect my recyclables. I asked to speak to the manager. The staff person looked nervous, but I smiled at her and told her I had enjoyed my meal and had a good experience with service, I just had a few questions. When the manager came to greet me, I smiled again and reiterated my positive impression of his staff. Then I told him that I'd like to see some recycling containers for all my recyclable plates and serve ware. I shared with him my experiences of managing a corporate coffee shop and how I learned how to stay within company policy, but still make positive changes in my store's impact on the environment. He smiled back, he heard me out, and he promised to take my concerns to the regional manager, who happened to be stopping by for a store evaluation the next day. I felt better about big corporate food chains after that.
Of course, the best way to use less disposable food packaging is to not eat in restaurants unless they use only reusable serve ware. As I mentioned earlier, my trip to Starbucks was waste-free because I ordered coffee that didn't involve the use of a disposable paper filter. My coffee was drunk in a ceramic mug provided by the store. And my delicious pastry was served on a real ceramic plate with an actual metal fork! I was impressed and vowed to request reusables everywhere I go.
The most disposable food packaging, though, doesn't come from restaurants and coffee shops. It comes from your grocery store. I have made efforts to buy food that has less (or no) packaging. I have also chosen food that comes in recyclable packaging as opposed to non-recyclable, regardless of price difference. I am pretty good about remembering to bring my own reusable bags to the store or declining a disposable bag, even if it's not the grocery. The food co-op I use delivers food to my home in reusable tubs. They also reuse the paper bags as many times as they can before ultimately recycling them. However, the very best way to avoid grocery packaging is to grow your own food. No packaging required to pluck fresh tomatoes out of your backyard into your kitchen. I vow to plant my food and flower garden next spring.

I will walk, use my bicycle, or use public transportation for at least 75% of my traveling, no matter the weather or season.

In the past few years, I have gained a lot of experience riding the bus. I know how much I can reasonably carry with me, and what things to leave behind. I know when to walk a few extra blocks to avoid a transfer. I know where to find shelter from wind, rain, cold, or heat. I know where to find a free bathroom. I know how to communicate effectively with a bus driver to get help if I need it. I know how many library books I can carry between buses. I know when to pack a stroller for a longer walks and when to use my Ergo carrier to lighten my load. I have built up a tolerance for long walks carrying a child and all the trappings of a life lived in the concrete jungle (including our reusable cups and a small stack of library books for long bus rides or long waits at a stop). I have ridden mostly in warmer weather, but I intend to ride all winter long this year. I sold my car and this time I meant it. I have even encouraged Joshua to ride the bus with us on the weekends in lieu of driving somewhere. I want him to experience the thrill of travel in the public sector. I want him to understand our daily experience. I want him to be able to think outside the personal vehicle box. So far, he has not elected to ride with us, but I'll keep offering the option until he finally chooses it for himself. Short trips downtown from our place are actually quite fun.

I have found that most every place I want to go is accessible using a combination of walking, bussing, and/ or biking. Those few places that are important to me, but unreachable using the preceding methods are the places I go in some one's car. Either someone will pick me up, meet me halfway (me taking the bus to the meeting point), or I ask the person I want to see to come to me for visits. So far, no one has had a problem offering assistance in getting from point A to point B because I rarely have to ask for help. The bus gets a bad reputation, but mostly from folks who don't ride it, won't ride it, or who are generally a victim of their own circumstances. The only regular riders who complain about bus travel are the ones who actually speak their minds to IndyGo via public meeting attendance or can raise a valid concern or make a good suggestion to improve bus service in Indy. If you don't ride the bus, or never have, I don't want to hear you talk about how Indy's public transit sucks. Don't knock it 'til you've tried it. Traveling by foot, bicycle, and bus has slowed the pace of my life pleasantly. I am no longer dashing from here to there as fast as I can doing way too many things in a day. I now limit myself to a few errands or meetings a day and have been blessed to more fully experience each one.

The overall theme of these commitments seems to be tied to slowing, actually: slowing my consumption, slowing my pace of life, slowing my experiences to more fully savor them. What commitments are you making to better your life? Leave me a comment. I'd love to be inspired by your choices!

current obsessions

2008-06-26T16:16:00.004-05:00

Here's all the stuff I can't seem to get enough of RIGHT NOW:

Thrift Shops (10th Street Value World ROCKS!)

Bikes (drool, drool)

Handmade goods (Buy Handmade!)

Loving my Isa-pants (and my career of loving her for a living)

Being a badass

Being MADLY in Love with someone you've been married to for nearly 7 YEARS (!)

Reuniting with old friends (and it feels so good!)

Telling strangers, "My sister drew it," when they ask about the tattoo on my shoulder

My actual tan that I earned riding in direct sunlight for hours (despite feeble and non-commital promises to myself that I'd lather up in sunblock)

Spring rolls and Thai iced tea

Some cute pictures I just had to share...

2008-06-09T21:17:00.004-05:00

Here's lovely shot of Isa "hitchhiking" while we waited for the bus. I was busy securing the helmet and u-lock to the bicycle and I turned my head to check on her and there was her little thumb out trying to flag down a car on Kessler Boulevard!

Here's one of Isa stomping in the remainder of a harsh storm. We got a flat on the bike today just as we were arriving to play at Ellenberger. Once I realized that I couldn't walk the bike and Isa home before the raging thunderstorm hit us, we took refuge under a small picnic shelter. We made it under the roof of the shelter just as it was beginning to rain. A fellow biker had also sought sanctuary there. His name was Tony and he had intended to swim at the park's pool, only to have the lifeguards call a storm warning and close the pool. Isa was scared of the loud thunder and flashes of lightning and started to get even more scared as the wind blew the rain nearly horizontally, soaking us in a fine, wet mist. Tony was kind enough to offer his towel and I promptly wrapped Isa up and held her to me tightly, making promises to keep her safe, even if she got wet. We did get wet, all three of us. I was content to stay there and be wet until it began to hail. I told Tony, "If I hear a siren, I'm taking off for one of those houses across the street. Somebody will be home, I just know it!" He agreed and not five minutes later, the siren was blowing it's warning. We ran for the first house with lights on and some wonderful anonymous woman let us in while we watched the worst of the storm pass.
We came back to the shelter after the rain let up and waited for Joshua, ever our bailer-outer when adventures go awry. He picked us up and took us home to put on dry clothes before we headed to our local bike shop to pick up a new tube. The bike is now retubed and ready for another adventure!

These are just some cute "self-portraits" of Isa and I:

"I pegged you two for vegans..."

2008-06-09T09:44:00.002-05:00

It's so awesome. Last night Joshua and I had a hardcore hankering for some meaty goodness. We normally eat organic vegetarian at home. But we had cleaned the whole house, cleaned and detailed the car, and mowed and cleaned the yard. We were pretty pooped out and wanted a nice dinner on the town. We headed to a chain steak place on the south side. Strange choice for us, but hey, we were feeling strange.
Once we arrived and were opening the doors, I realized that we were dressed like Gypsy-hippy-non-conformists. (even Isa!!) We were shown a table and soon enough our server came to take our order. Joshua asked them about this vegetarian pasta dish that is no longer on their menu, but can be ordered by request. The server went to talk to the kitchen staff about it, and told us he could order it if he liked. He deliberated, then ordered a full rack of barbequed ribs! I ordered a filet medium rare. The waiter then confessed, "When you guys walked in, I just pegged you two for vegans."

What do vegans look like? Do they dress like non-conformist-hippy-Gypsies? Are they revolutionaries in the trenches of suburbia? I'm not really sure how to feel about that assessment of our family, except to say that I consider vegans to be people who are aware that their choices make an impact on the health of their bodies, their environment, and their balance to the planet. I just think it's funny to be seen as vegans while walking into a steak place and eating the only meat we've eaten in a month. Isn't it ironic?

Biking Rocks!

2008-06-06T06:57:00.005-05:00

I finally feel empowered to wear my "One Less Car" t-shirt I made. wahoo!

I've been doing the bike n' bus thing ever since my lovely friend Mary scored me a bike seat from craigslist. Here's a bad action shot:

I'm happy and you can kind of see Isa's big red helmet behind me. (I am guilty of not only talking on my cell phone when I drive, but also while I bike. I know, I know...)

Anyway, I am happy to not be paying whatever gas prices are right now. Lots of people can't imagine a two hour travel time to get to a friend's house to play. But really, it's a practice in the journey being the destination. The traveling becomes less about how soon we can get there and more about looking around and being present at every moment. When I am biking with Isa just behind me, I can reach behind me and pat her sweet little legs. Sometimes she wraps her arms around my hips and hugs me. When we stop at an intersection, and then push off again, she cheers me on; "GO, mama, GO!" (Now that feels pretty good.) I don't think to myself, "How much further? How long until we get there?" I think, "Wow, what a nice day. That breeze feels fantastic! Hey, a squirrel/ chipmunk/ bird/ doggie!" The traveling is an active part of our day, not just a means to an end. The traveling, whether by bicycle, bus, or foot is a consciously chosen activity in which we engage, not something we have to do in order to do something else more desirable.
When I arrive somewhere, I not only have the satisfaction of being there, but having traveled by my own moral code and muscle power. That's pretty empowering. Having been car-less and a driver on and off over the past four years, I have to say that driving makes me unhealthy and lazy. Being on a bike or walking makes me feel more alive and brings an experience of BEING to my day. Looking back on some of my blog entries from last year's car-less adventures, I am glad I made the choice to sell my vehicle again. This time, I'm not buying another one. This time I am committing to making it work, even in winter. This time, I pledge to live by my principles and have only what we NEED, not what is most convenient.

Confessional

2008-06-06T06:54:00.002-05:00

Hello.
My name is Jaymi... and I'm... a blogger.
It's been 24 days since my last blog.

Okay, now that I've released my guilt and anxiety, it's time to write and chronicle again.

more joy

2008-05-12T18:34:00.002-05:00

Today, I woke up feeling more refreshed and alive than I had in weeks. Whatever fog has been clouding my vision, it has lifted. Hallelujah!
I got up and helped Isa get ready for our day. Then we picked up the number 10 and headed toward College Ave. We transfered to the 17 and got off at Nana's house to wash all our bed sheets. Once I got the first load in, I started cleaning. I cleaned my mom's whole house today... and she didn't even know we were coming. When she arrived home I was gone, but the lingering smell of Pine-Sol and glass cleaner let her know someone had been there. It was the first of what I hope will be a series of random acts of kindness. It made me feel so good and it blessed Mom's brains out. Spread the love...

A New Earth

2008-05-07T11:44:00.003-05:00

I mentioned picking up Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth in my last post. I am about 70 pages into the book now and I have so much to say about it. Many of the ideas in the book are not new to me, but the presentation of these ideas is so clear, so gentle, so easy to understand, it's still amazing me. I have been well versed in many Eastern traditions that speak of the Ego as a mere impostor for who one Truly Is. This concept is central to the theme of the book, but never before has it been so clearly spoken. I liken it to the first time I was able to notice my body from a new perspective with a good yoga instructor. I had been doing downward dog for several years. But this gifted teacher came up alongside me and asked gently, "May I adjust you?" I agreed and she put her hands on either side of my hips tilting them to a different angle. Suddenly, I understood downward dog. My body awareness catapulted to a new level. This book is like the gentle yoga master slightly adjusting you. It seems to say, "I see that you are seeking. Let me help to accelerate your findings."
More amazing than Tolle's ability to offer gentle adjustment to your mental posture is the widespread popularity of the book. Tolle's gift of explanation leaves no one out, is inclusive and not exclusive. Everyone will see their lives, their journeys, their images in this book. And many already have. I am told that Oprah has taken this book to the masses and I honor and thank her for that. There is even a discussion board online for this book that gathers over 250,000 (!) people to their computers every week to discuss the concepts of the book and the ways in which their lives have been changed by it. By reading this book, my consciousness is shifting, no doubt. But to also participate in such a vast shift in the consciousness of the population is powerful. To create peace in the world, one must begin within. Imagine the power of so many people creating this peaceful shift in themselves at once! Imagine the consciousness shift in millions of people all at the same time! The time is now! The change we all hope for is happening! Celebrate!
I encourage all to read Master Tolle's book. Know that just reading it will change your life, and contribute to the global consciousness shift that is necessary for our survival.

Here are some links:

Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth page
Order from Amazon here

Joyful Spring

2008-05-06T10:42:00.002-05:00

The blossoms on the trees remind me that my heart is blossoming with joy as well. Abundance is everywhere I look: the trees, the dandelions in the lawn, the books and cds and dvds on our media shelves...
Joshua and I took our superfluous cd collection to Half Price Books last night and walked out with some cold hard cash. I also picked up a copy of Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth. About 20 of my friends have told me to read this book, so I was so pleased to find a used copy for less than five dollars. We also got Isa some new software for less than ten dollars. She is just crazy about Caillou's video games. She has really mastered the game we have, but this new package has five games for kindergarten preparation. Hooray for learning ABC's, 123's, and all that good stuff! Hooray, too, for abundance and joyful spring!

When The Great Empire Falls

2008-05-04T12:58:00.000-05:00

When the great empire falls
Will we remember our divinity?
Will our oppulance crumble
into disrepair and disregard
in favor of a devout life?
Third World hope
after Second World war
from First World empire?
Does the Brahmin hear
recognition in the voice
of billions fallen from grace?

Easy as 1 - 2 - 3

2008-04-30T13:10:00.003-05:00

My daughter is such a genius. (I know, all parents think this thought!) She's been practicing her counting for months now. First, she began by reciting the numbers in order. A few weeks later, she could count to sixteen in order, correctly every time. Then she began counting objects. First, just pointing and reciting, but having no connection between the objects and the numbers. Gradually, with a small amount of coaching my example on my part, she is counting with the correct relationship between numbers and objects.
For about eighteen bucks, one can get a bucket of colored animals designed to help kids learn counting and sorting. From there, so many games are possible. Last night, Isa and I played counting games for over an hour before she went to bed. I would gather an assortment of animals (our set has alligators, bears, kittens, puppies, and turtles) in an assortment of colors. First I'd ask her, "How many animals do you see?" and she'd count them. Then, "How many yellow animals?" and "How many bears?" etc... She got them right every time. When she'd get excited and miscount, I'd just say, "Try again, you'll get it this time." And she would. Then she wanted more independence while we played. "Isa, can you pick out seven purple animals?" or "Can you find twelve turtles?" Every time, she got it right. Then even more independence. She'd choose a selection of animals, and count them and sort them on her own. I was able to complete an entire chapter of a book while she practiced counting and sorting! Life is too good!
Here is a little clip of her playing one of her games:

The Ganges in my Tub

2008-04-29T13:52:00.002-05:00

This afternoon, I gathered up all the water holding, heat withstanding vessels I could find and began heating water for a deeply cleansing bath. It took me about 45 minutes to heat several rounds of tea kettles, soup vats, and coffee pots. I sprinkled in some hyssop, lavendar, and sandalwood rose oil for clarity.
Then I stepped in slowly, one foot at a time.
I savored the heat rushing up my ankles and into my knees and thighs.
I will wade out till my thighs are steeped in burning flowers
Once I was standing both feet in the tub, I bent down scooping a handful of water from the tub and offering it up to God(dess).
I slowly descended into the tub until I was as submerged as possible. Then, I prayed.
I offered gratitude for the opportunity to bathe alone.
I offered gratitude for hot water.
I offered gratitude for cleansing, for purification, for new beginnings.
I offered gratitude for water, for rivers, for oceans, for rain, for clouds, for vastness.

Then, baptised in holy water, I reemerged, dried off, and tried to live a semi normal life.
We think that God(dess) is in our hearts, but the Truth is that we are little sparks inside the heart of God(dess).

Thoughts

2008-04-28T17:59:00.004-05:00

Did it ever occur to anyone else that chakras and hurricanes look a lot alike? When I got to the middle, the eye, I was ready to settle in there and make that home. No one can live in the eye of a hurricane though, and inevitably, the storm moved on. I am pretty sure I have made it to the other side now, but I still feel dizzy, windblown, and in need of a hot shower. I also needed to rebuild my home, which I did today. But here I am, alone with Isa for the first time in over a month. I feel abandoned and in mourning. Shouldn't I be celebrating my survival? Shouldn't I be motivated by grace alone to rebuild a life for me and my family? Shouldn't I be thankful that my team of rescuers and rebuilders actually showed up?

* b r e a t h e *

Full Moon Painting for April

2008-04-26T16:10:00.004-05:00

This month, the painting seems to be darker in nature than others I've painted. There seems to be a general theme of death and transformation it can bring. Many crosses in the painting appear like gravestones and the black bird flying off the canvas represent death and it's transformational powers.
There is also an image of a funeral pyre beneath the pentagram. Enjoy! And as always, comments and suggestions are welcomed!

When Things Fall Apart

2008-04-25T09:31:00.002-05:00

the ground has been broken
a dream of a garden
and yet
the earth is now drying
forgotten
the sweat created through work
is cleansing for the body
but with no seeds to plant
there is no direction
no guidance for the garden
so the earth blows away
runs off in little streams
into the gutter
a protective fence and some gentle rain
could save this dream
and create a bounty
to feed our family
to feed our hearts
to feed our bodies

a dream of a garden
is just a dream
the work and care
creates the harvest

One...Two...Three... JUMP!

2008-04-09T23:57:00.004-05:00

This morning, around 11:30 am, our family took our last $100 out of the bank, and got in a cab. We arrived at the airport, gave the cabbie about $35 and hoped that we weren't getting in over our heads.
We walked up to the American Airlines curbside check-in with our e-tickets in our hands. We were eager for an adventure out to our favorite West Coast destination and to see some of our dearest friends tie the knot.
Joshua: We'd like to check our bags.
Cubside Check-in Dude: You might want to check inside. Where are you going?
Joshua: San Francisco by Dallas.
CSCID: That flight's been cancelled.
My worst fears: Oh, no.We just gave that cab driver most of our money. What now.... Don't worry. Just relax. God's got your back.
The friendly, if frazzled, man behind the desk at the American Airlines countner confirmed, indeed, that our flight had been cancelled. He got us onto the earliest flight into San Francisco, this time by way of Detroit. It was almost noon. Our flight would be leaving at 5:35pm.
MWF: We don't have enough money to eat while we're here. We still need to catch a cab from SFO or take BART at least...etc...
That's when the man behind the counter handed us food vouchers for our trouble. $60 worth, actually. More than we would have spent or needed. So, we ate. Then we ate some more. Our bellies full, we played and walked and colored and had a good time. Then we went to the smoothie bar and bought no less than $27 worth of smoothies and chocolate covered good-for-you snacks. Seriously. I'm not making this up.
Is the Universe suddenly not abundant? Will we go into this with Love in our hearts and not be cared for? Just because we don't have any gas service, does that mean we don't deserve to buy $27 worth of smoothies and chocolate good-for-you snacks?
Well, maybe that is the question with which I was wrestling. The question of deserving.
I hesitate to walk into the territory of deserving. It makes me uncomfortable to say the least. I don't really know much about entitlement either. But I do know that the Universe is vast and abundant. I also know that the great plenteous Universe has showered our family in bounty at times so unexpectedly and that I am thankful beyond measure for the life I live, for it is a rich one.

reflections

2008-04-07T09:09:00.005-05:00

I know and Love so many mirror holders.
These are the people in your life who show you yourself; and can somehow do it with perfect Love. Some people just listen to you talk about yourself, and their silent, but loving smile shows you all you need to know about yourself to make a change within. Some people physically touch you with such grace that you feel yourself being healed and know for the first time of a dis-ease in yourself as your self heals. Some people, just by living their lives openly, can help you to see how you are different than they are or the same as they are and help you arrange your life with your highest vision of yourself in much clearer view.
I want to send out waves upon waves, oceans of gratitude to these beings:

Joshua and Isa
The Whited Family
Dylan Ashby
Heather and Silva
Corey Barnes
Jennifer and Alex
Robyn and Jon
Krishna (in all his incarnations)
Stephen Cardinal
Jessica and Andy

I sometimes see
nothing in your eyes but myself
And that Truth sets me free
Your reflection of me
shapes my reflection of you
And the cycle repeats
As the tide is pulled by the moon
so is my being pulled by your Love
I honor you, Great One(s)